The Mansion

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week is a reality show on TBS called The Mansion. I don't know why I have such a love for off-brand reality shows, but I really enjoy them. Maybe it's because there's no hype, or maybe it's because I often feel that I am the only person in the world watching them, but I can't get enough. Anyway, in this particular show, eight people moved into a mansion in Ohio (Ohio!), and each week they elect a foreman and renovate one room in the mansion, with time and budget constraints. Any money saved on budget goes to the foreman. Then some judges come through and decide how good it is, and reward the team with a paycheck of up to $10,000. They divide the paycheck into eight unequal amounts, and the foreman has to hand out the checks. There are no eliminations, which I also enjoy. And it's hosted by Mark L. Walberg, which is always fun. Anyway, the best episode so far featured the tough-talking New York native as foreman, and she was kind of incompetent, but not as incompetent as most of the others. And one of the guys was told that if he would just disappear from the job for, like, twelve hours, the whole team would get bonus money, so he did. And then at the end, when everyone found out why he disappeared (he claimed he was injured and went to the hospital), no one was even happy about it! They were all still pissed off. And then the team got their payday, and the foreman decided to keep all the money for herself, so no one got any money that week! The balls on her! And the weirdest part is that no one seems to care about it or even bring it up in future episodes. Since that happened, we've had a couple hooking up and breaking up, many fights, and lots of drama. Check it out on Saturday mornings (no, seriously) on TBS, because it is awesome.

The Blue Lagoon

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was yet another airing of The Blue Lagoon on TBS. I remember watching this movie as a kid, and being kind of thrilled because it seemed dirty, even though I was watching it on network television so all the dirty parts were cut out. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I've ever seen the uncut version. I'll have to remedy that. Anyway, in case you haven't seen it, it's the story of two kids, Richard and Emmeline, who are shipwrecked on a desert island with a crusty old dude named Paddy. See, they had to have the old dude along so it would be plausible that these kids could even remotely survive into their teens, and once they become teens...look out! Richard is constantly playing with himself, and Emmeline just thinks about God. But then they totally do it, although I was kind of wondering how they figured that one out. I mean, I know it's natural and all, but if you had no idea what sex was, or what was going on, and yet you had some sense of morality from being a child in the Victorian era, the whole sex thing just seemed implausible to me. And yet, Emmeline gets pregnant, even though she has no idea that she's pregnant. And they are remarkably not freaked out when the baby starts moving. I would think I ate a bug or something and it was growing inside me. So Emmeline gives birth and there's this mysterious tribe on the other side of the island, but that never really amounts to anything, which is pretty lame, because I assume they were cannibals. And then they go to a nearby island to get food or something and Emmeline just lets the baby wander into the boat and they drift out to sea together, and Richard tries to rescue them, but he loses the oars in the process because he's being chased by a shark. It was totally Emmeline's fault, and she was pretty whiny the whole time anyway. So then the baby eats these poison berries, and then Richard and Emmeline decide to kill themselves since they're lost at sea anyway and now their baby is dead. And then they get rescued by Albert Einstein (or someone who looked just like him) and they're not dead, just sleeping. Which seems like a huge cop-out and made me wonder if they added that ending after test audiences thought it was too depressing. Because just having them die would have been awesome.

Clean House

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Clean House, which is the Style Network equivalent of TLC's "clear out the clutter show" Clean Sweep. First of all, Clean House is awesome because it's hosted by Niecy Nash, who rules. And they go in and help some homeowners clear out their house and set up a garage sale. The reason this show is better than Clean Sweep (besides Niecy) is because the homeowners can only use the proceeds of their garage sale to pay for improvements to their home by an organizer and designer, so there's a built-in incentive.

This week, the team went to help a mother and a daughter. Excuse me, a horrible awful shrew of a woman, and her emotionally abused daughter. This woman, from the moment the show began, blamed her college-aged daughter for their clutter, and refused to accept even one iota of blame, not even for teaching or allowing her daughter to let things get so bad. ["She also had nasty turkey wattles on her neck and a terrible haircut that looked like she had never rinsed any conditioner out of her hair, like, ever, it was so flat. Not to focus on her appearance, but she was hateful, and she deserves it." -- Wing Chun] So while they were cleaning out, the daughter was somewhat reluctant to let things go, but the mother would just out-and-out refuse. Finally, after much cajoling, she gave some items up for the garage sale, but then she kept sneaking out and taking things back into the house when she thought no one was looking. It was at this point that I began actively rooting for this woman to get a room that she hated, because she did not deserve a good room. She was horrible to her daughter, repeatedly telling the daughter that she was entirely to blame, and yelling at her, pouting, stomping off, and just being a completely negative person. So they didn't make a whole lot of money at the garage sale, partly because the mother refused to give up anything that they might actually be able to sell for a decent profit. So then, the designer and organizer got to work on the living room and daughter's bedroom, which I thought both turned out very nice. And of course, the mom hated the daughter's bedroom, even though the daughter liked it. The mom kept pointing out more things for the daughter to hate, and the only thing she would admit that she liked was the closet, which had been organized, but even then, she was like, "Well, it won't stay that way." So then they went to the living room, and the mom just FLIPPED OUT and hated everything about it. Niecy tried to get the mom to admit that the only way that she would have been happy was if they had left the room exactly as it was before, and she wouldn't even admit that. So then, the show people left and clearly looked like they needed a stiff drink after dealing with that harridan for two days. What I wouldn't give to see the outtakes from that episode, where they were all like, "Seriously. I'm quitting. I can't take this bitch." That would be awesome.

Wife Swap

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week happened during Wife Swap. If you're not familiar with the premise, it's pretty much all in the title. Two women swap lives for two weeks. In the first week, they have to abide by the rules of their host family, and in the second week, the women get to make the rules. So, of course, since it's reality television, the producers choose women who have diametrically opposed lifestyles. So this week, a Southern woman who loves family and whose husband likes to hunt and fish swapped places with an Arkansas environmentalist and animal rights activist who hasn't seen her family in years. So the first awesome part was when the environmentalist was looking around her new home, and she came upon a mounted deer head, and she started SOBBING! And she was, like, petting the deer, and apologizing to the deer, and the woman was just bonkers. I mean, I like animals, and I'm not a big gun person or hunter, but the deer was already dead, and frankly, deer have few if any natural predators, so if it weren't for hunters, we'd be overrun. So anyway, at the end of the episode, the two couples meet and discuss what they've learned, and most weeks the couples manage to keep it barely civil, but this week, they were just totally bitchy to each other, and when the environmentalist woman found out that her dogs were made to sleep outside, she just lost it! And she was screaming and crying about how her dogs were ADOPTED and you can't make them sleep OUTSIDE and so on and so on. And pretty much everyone involved was kind of an asshole, but this woman was just stark raving mad, which was awesome.

Brady Bunch Reunion Special

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the Brady Bunch reunion special on TV Land. Not for what was said, but because there was so much unsaid. Jan and Peter clearly hate everyone else. Peter clearly hated Jenny McCarthy (the host). Jenny McCarthy kept asking questions that all of the actors had discussed and answered years ago, like, the best way to deal with those issues would have been to show a clip package or something, because the actors just got annoyed. No one wanted to mention that Robert Reed was kind of a dick to work with, although he was allegedly a nice enough guy in his personal life. Alice only got to show up for five seconds at the end, and she barely spoke. Cindy brought the mood down when she talked about how she cared for her dying parents. Really, the only interesting part that wasn't just my interpretation of the undercurrent were the many clips, which revealed to me just how much of my younger life was shaped by The Brady Bunch. I learned so many life lessons from that crazy blended family. And I still knew all of the words to the Silver Platters' songs, all these years later. And the dance moves. Which is awesome.

The Babysitter

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a Lifetime Move Network film called The Babysitter. It starred Patty Duke Astin as the mom and William Shatner as the dad and some ugly girl as their kid and then Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as...The Babysitter. So The Babysitter totally stalks the homely little girl, who is twelve, and still carries around a doll, so there might be something wrong with her, which would also explain why she needs a full-time baby sitter at age twelve. So anyway Shatner convinces Patty that, although she doesn't work outside the home, she needs to hire someone to clean, cook, and raise their daughter. Thus, the Babysitter joins their family, despite her mysterious past, and they don't even check her references or anything, but I guess this was before the era of the Amber Alert and people didn't think of such things. But they SHOULD HAVE! Because soon the Babysitter is convincing Patty, a recovering alcoholic, that she should start drinking again. And then she puts the moves on Shatner, which, ew. And then she throws a makeout party and totally does it with the neighbor kid and lets the homely girl drink a beer. Then she convinces Shatner to send Patty to rehab or something. And I have no idea why, but she takes the homely girl and the neighbor kid sailing and totally kills the neighbor kid by knocking him into the water with the boom. The cops apparently don't care about this at all, but the neighbor boy's grandpa won't let it go. I guess the kid didn't have any parents. So Gramps starts looking into the Babysitter's past and discovers the family she used to work for, dead in their bed, preserved under a plastic cover. Gross! And then Patty comes back, and the Babysitter drugs her or something, and then she tries to do it with Shatner, and he turns her down, so she clubs him with a vase or something and then goes after the homely girl, who hides in the basement. So the Babysitter gets a knife and is chasing the homely girl around and I was actually a little bit scared! And then Shatner comes to and subdues the Babysitter and Gramps shows up with the cops and she goes to jail. And it was awesome.

Starting Over

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the premiere of the second season of Starting Over, or as New Orleans Melissa calls it, "Old Lady Real World." This season, they are in Los Angeles, and they have brought in Oprah's buddy Iyanla Vanzant as a life coach. And that's awesome because she totally has taken over and last season's crazy-ass life coach, Rhonda, is relegated to the sidelines. And I predict it's a matter of weeks before Rhonda totally loses it. Also, there's one roommate, Deborah (pronounced De-BORE-ah) who is batshit crazy. She started out seeming like she was just outspoken and maybe a little rude. But now it turns out that she is pregnant (despite being premenopausal) and scheming to have a secret abortion, and also is trying to bully her fifteen-year-old daughter into doing something (arranging the abortion? Getting medical records?) through threats and intimidation. And next week, it looks like the shit will hit the fan when the rest of the house finds out what's going on. Did I mention that Deborah has threatened to leave the house twice already? In the first week? And that Iyanla had to clap her hands and yell, "Deborah!" to get her to shut up in their group meeting? And that she works out on the treadmill while wearing a fanny pack and dancing and singing to herself? And that she uses a fork to eat cotton candy from a bag? There's so much more that I could tell you, and I haven't even gotten into the other roommates. Check your local listings and find out when it's on in your area, and then watch it. Because it is awesome.