Little House: "Here Come the Brides"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that the forum posters tipped me off about. A widower and his son move to Walnut Grove. Nellie Oleson totally gets the hots for the son, Luke, even though he's a big hick who wears overalls and no shoes, and even though she's usually a total bitch. Nellie invites Luke to dinner, and Harriet is all psyched when Nellie says that Luke's dad own a huge farm, but then Luke shows up and they play hayseed-type music and he doesn't wear shoes and he eats the entire hunk of meat instead of taking one slice and Harriet forbids Nellie from seeing Luke again. So Harriet enlists Miss Beadle to tell Luke's dad, Adam, to stop the relationship, and Miss Beadle is all over that since she thinks Adam is a hottie, and she goes out to his farm, and they totally fall in love, and the most awesome part is that their names are Adam and Eva. So the next day after school, Luke and Mary Ingalls go to the mercantile to buy a ring, and Nels and Harriet totally think that Luke has thrown Nellie over for Mary (and who wouldn't, because Mary was kind of hot and Nellie was a bitch). But it turns out Luke just wanted Mary to pick out a ring for Nellie.

So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times. So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs. So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.