Those Secrets

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Those Secrets which starred Blair Brown as a whore. Well, in the beginning of the movie, you didn't know she was a whore, unless you read the description in the cable guide. So she meets this sports agent who is really creepy and gets married to him and she already has two kids which is never really explained and then it's their two-year anniversary and then they are building a house together and all of this happens in, like, the first five minutes of the movie and you're like, "The hell?" So then her husband cheats on her and tells her and instead of kicking him in the balls like a normal person, Blair Brown's reaction is, "Why did you tell me?" So then her old friend, played by Mare Winningham, comes to visit while her husband is out of town, and Mare Winningham is a former whore trying to go straight. So then Blair Brown -- who had been working as a book jacket designer -- decides to get back into the whore business, and she starts having creepy sex with former clients, including her husband's best friend (that's how she met her husband) and some guy who makes her dress up like a geisha and this old couple who wants her to tie up the husband and they are seriously like eighty-five years old and I was worried someone would have a heart attack but luckily even Blair Brown got grossed out and ran out of the room. So meanwhile, her daughters are figuring out that something is up, and one of Blair's clients beats the crap out of her and she goes home and her husband is there and she admits that she's a whore and he thinks it's just a figure of speech and she has to explain that she has sex for money and he leaves her. So then Mare Winningham goes back to whoring as well and ends up killing herself which scares Blair Brown into going straight and getting into therapy and she ends up getting back together with her creepy husband and did I mention that everyone in the movie acted like they were on Valium with their lack of affect? And my husband walked in and said, "This is like that Eddie Izzard routine with Sebastien and the matches" and he was totally right, and it was awesome.