Jailbreakers

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. Merging recent themes, the most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Jailbreakers starring Shannen Doherty (a.k.a. Brenda Walsh) and Antonio Sabato, Jr. (a.k.a. Jagger from General Hospital). Supposedly, this movie was set in the '50s, but I didn't figure that out until about halfway through because the theme was so half-assed, and Brenda's hair was totally '70s, and her outfits were all very contemporary. I like to think that Brenda refused to wear stupid poodle skirts and threw a hissy and got her way. Anyway, so Brenda is a good girl who falls for Jagger, the bad boy. And her parents don't approve, of course. And the part that made me laugh the hardest was when they were making out and Jagger tried to slide into third base and Brenda said she thought he promised to wait until she was sixteen. Meanwhile, in real life she was, like, thirty. So then they go out and Jagger steals a car, and robs a diner, and steals jewelry for Brenda, which she thinks is totally cool. Until they get pulled over by the cops and Jagger goes to jail. So the whole small town knows that Brenda is tainted so her parents have to move to a new town, like, whose parents would do that? So Brenda gets all new friends and a new boring boyfriend but then she can't take it anymore and she writes Jagger a letter in jail and he busts out of jail and comes to her house and she runs away with him. And meanwhile there's this whole subplot where Jagger and his best friend (played by, weirdly enough, Oscar nominee Adrien Brody) are trying to sell a stolen horse and split the money. So Jagger totally dicks Adrien Brody over and takes all of the money and he and Brenda head to Mexico. And Brenda still thinks it's all cool until they get pulled over by a cop and Jagger kills him with a knife. Like, it was all fine when it was larceny and shit, but murder is too far. So then she makes a few pathetic attempts to get away from him, but finally they end up at the border and they're surrounded by cops and snipers and even Brenda's dad is there with a shotgun, but Jagger is using Brenda as a human shield, but then Adrien Brody roars up on his motorcycle and saves Brenda and Jagger gets shot a million times. And then the absolute most awesome part was that, as Adrien Brody is arrested by the cops and Brenda is reunited with her parents, Brenda steals away and tells Adrien Brody that she'll wait for him until he gets out of jail. Because even though her last jailbird boyfriend turned into a murderer and kidnapper, and was shot down in front of her face, she just wants another bad boy. And meanwhile, Jagger's dead body was lying practically at Brenda's feet. Awesome.