She Fought Alone

And now it's time for our next installment of The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called She Fought Alone. It starred Tiffani-Amber Theissen (Val from 90210) and Brian Austin Green (David Silver from 90210). Val played this unpopular girl in small-town Nebraska or Montana or Ohio or something who suddenly gets boobs, I guess, so the popular crowd wants to include her all of a sudden. David Silver is the quarterback of the football team, so he mostly drives around in cars that he restored himself and wears tank tops and shit. So the initiation ceremony to be in the popular crowd is to go to this fake prom that they hold in an abandoned barn, where they all dress up in old dresses, and then they make Val the prom queen and then they totally pour blood on her like Carrie and Val puts her finger in the blood and licks it and goes, "Mmm, raspberry" like what the hell? So now she's cool and she totally wants to do it with David Silver. But David Silver's friend Horndog likes Val and he totally comes over to her house and rapes her when no one is home. So Val wants to rat him out, but no one believes her because she's nobody and the guy is a football player. And the popular crowd is all sexually harassing her and setting things up so that she thinks they are going to forgive her, but really they are just going to wave flashlights in her face and grope her and cut all her hair off. I know. Awesome. So then she gets a lawyer and shit and eventually Horndog admits to David Silver that he totally did rape her but whatever. So then David Silver decides that he really loves Val! And he tells her! And she runs away with him! After he sexually harassed her and cut all her hair off! So that was awesome. Then there was a showdown in the weirdly deserted town square where David Silver tries to defend Val's honor and he ends up stabbing Horndog in the leg with Horndog's own knife. Then David Silver and Val decide to run away together but David Silver's mom is, like, an invalid so he can't really leave. So then Val goes to college and she comes home to visit David Silver who is living a pathetic existence working on cars and caring for his invalid mother and still wearing tank tops and then the movie just kind of ends. But it was the most awesome thing I saw last week. I have high hopes for next week because I recorded movies with the following descriptions: "A teenager may be the reincarnation of a long-dead witch," "An Idaho woman is attacked by an acquaintance in Hollywood," and "Two women break out of rehab for a motorcycle road trip." So I know at least one of those will be awesome.