Too Close to Home

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on Television Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on television last week was a television movie (of course) on the Lifetime Move Network (of course) starring Angela from Who's The Boss as Ricky "The Ricker" Schroeder's mother and it was called Too Close to Home. So Angela is all obsessed with her son, The Ricker is a twenty-nine-year-old lawyer who still lives at home. And just to give you a sense of how messed up things are, the movie starts with Angela bringing The Ricker a birthday cake in bed, and then totally watching as he goes into the bathroom (leaving the door open) and gets in the shower. Gross! So The Ricker drops the bomb that he's going to move out on his own and Angela goes to the apartment he wants and seduces the landlord to keep The Ricker from getting the apartment. So then The Ricker says he's going to move in with a friend and Angela tries to kill herself by downing some pills and vodka. And then while she's in the hospital, The Ricker meets up with her nurse, Abby, and starts dating her. So Angela is obviously not happy about this and digs up some fake arrest reports that say how Abby committed fraud and tricked some dude into marrying her. The Ricker tells Abby and then proposes (huh? I know!) and then Abby admits that she's pregnant. Wuh? So they run off and get married and then The Ricker calls Angela who pretends she's all happy but secretly pays off a homeless man to pose as The Ricker so they can go to the courthouse and get the marriage annulled. I don't know what the point of the annulment was, because when Angela finds out that Abby is preggo, she manufactures a ruse to get The Ricker out of the house and then hires two men to kidnap Abby but they accidentally kill Abby instead. Oops! So then there must be a law that all Lifetime movies need a courtroom scene in the second hour, and Angela is arrested for the crime, and The Ricker is going to be her lawyer. And then on cross-examination, all of Angela's misdeeds come out, plus some other stuff about how The Ricker had an older sister who died at the age of three months, and Angela's been married seven times, and arrested numerous times and blah blah blah and The Ricker knew none of this. So then his mother is on Death Row and he goes to visit her and he keeps pressing her to admit something and I thought it was going to be a big surprise like that she slept with her own father and that's how The Ricker came to be or something, but really she just admits that she had Abby killed, like duh! We already knew that. And then Angela goes to the gas chamber. Awesome.