Dying to Belong

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie on Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Belong. The movie opens with a scene of some girls kidnapping this other girl and then taking her out in the woods and throwing her out of the car and then she maybe gets hit by a truck and then there is a shot of a white rose with blood dripping on it so right away you know it's going to be awesome. So then Hilary Swank goes to college and has a roommate with blue hair, who was actually the coolest person in the movie. But then Hilary meets Six from Blossom in line to register so they decide to be roommates, and they just kick Blue Hair out, which was kind of shitty but maybe I'm just sensitive because the same thing happened to me my freshman year. So then Hilary and Six decide to rush a sorority and Hilary is a legacy so all of the girls in the sorority (including Second Becky from Roseanne and Tracy Middendorf, who I know as Carrie Brady from Days) love Hilary and ignore Six, and Hilary just walks off with them and leaves Six to stand there awkwardly and think about how she's gained, like, twenty pounds since Blossom ended and is forced to wear overalls in every scene. So then Hilary meets Zach from Saved by the Bell while working on the college paper, like could this movie have a more awesome cast? And you know they love each other because in every scene they have, the soundtrack is this cheesy remake of "Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover," like, they couldn't even spring for Sophie B. Hawkins so you know it was low-budget. So then Hilary and Six get into the sorority and then there is hazing, which is such bullshit because who would brush the bathroom floor with their toothbrush just to hang out with Second Becky? And then Hilary gets pissed and walks out and the other girls encourage Six to hang this banner from the clock tower and Six totally takes a header and dies! And the girls pretend they had nothing to do with it, so of course Hilary and Zach try to uncover the truth but no one believes it and in the end they find the girl from the opening scene who was paid off by the school not to reveal that she nearly died in a hazing incident the year before and then Hilary tricks the sorority girls into confessing and the sorority is shut down. Rest assured that if you see this movie in the listings, it's worth watching because it is awesome.