Maternal Instincts

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week, which may also be the most awesome thing I've seen on TV all year. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Maternal Instincts. Delta Burke played a woman who really wanted to have a baby, even though her husband wasn't that into it, and she would say things to her friends like that she thought mothers who worked were immoral. So she was kind of crazy to start out with. And then she was having some sort of surgery to help her have a baby and they found cancer and her husband and her best friend told the doctor to give Delta a complete hysterectomy.

Once she gets home, Delta has all these temper tantrums and in one of them she throws the cradle they had bought, which breaks into a thousand pieces, like, Delta Smash! So then Delta confronts the doctor and finds out that it was her husband's decision, and she storms off to their cabin on the lake and while they are fighting, her husband slips on some fish guts, hits his head, and dies. Yes, fish guts. And Delta isn't sad, but just raises her eyebrows, because she's crazy. So then she goes out to lunch and sees a baby and goes into the bathroom and has a temper tantrum. So then she's watching TV and eating ice cream and she sees her doctor on TV, explaining about how she (the doctor) is pregnant and taking progesterone to prevent miscarriage and Delta freaks out and throws her ice cream at the TV. So Delta becomes obsessed with ruining her doctor's life, and she sneaks into the doctor's house and replaces the progesterone with olive oil, which the doctor doesn't notice, somehow. So then Delta gets the receptionist at a biomedical lab fired and starts the crazy-person mainstay: a scrapbook of clippings. So then the doctor almost has a miscarriage because she's been injecting olive oil, and Delta's working at the lab now, so she screws up the doctor's blood sample, and also switches the results on all of the doctor's patients' test results. Then Delta gets a job with her best friend, who discovers what Delta is up to, so Delta tosses her off a building, which no one notices. Then, Delta tries to seduce the doctor's husband, and when it doesn't work, she runs him over with her car and dumps him on the doctor's doorstep. So the doctor takes her husband to the hospital and then gives birth due to the shock, and meanwhile Delta has gone back to her original job of working in the hospital nursery so of course she steals the doctor's baby and the doctor and takes them down to the boiler room. But the most awesome part was when the doctor woke up and Delta was chasing her around with a giant wrench and they fought and the doctor pushed Delta down a flight of stairs. But the sight of Delta Burke in a nurse's uniform running around in a hospital boiler room with a giant wrench was fucking hilarious. So then the doctor and her husband and their baby are all fine, but Delta goes to the loony bin and sits in a padded room singing to a doll which was actually kind of creepy for such a ridiculous movie. But also, awesome.