She's No Angel

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network (or LMN, for those in the know) called She's No Angel. It starred Carol Seaver (Tracey Gold) as a woman who worked as a bar waitress. So one night this guy grabbed her ass, so Carol decided to quit, but the ass-grabber was her boss's brother, so her boss refused to pay her, so Carol had no money with which to leave town. So then Carol closed the bar and the boss's brother raped her so Carol stuck him with a knife and then the boss tried to beat her up so she stuck him with a knife too and ran off. So then Carol hitched a ride with these newlyweds and Carol tried on the wife's engagement ring and just then they got in a giant car accident but Carol was ejected from the car so she was the sole survivor. When Carol woke up in the hospital, the driver's parents were there, and they thought Carol was their daughter-in-law, whom they had never met. So Carol half-assedly tried to set them straight a few times but not really, because her new in-laws were really rich and owned a vineyard and totally took her in. So then Carol found out she was pregnant by the boss's brother but her in-laws thought it was their grandchild. And also, Carol started hooking up with her "husband's" best friend, which is kind of ghoulish, but whatever. So then Carol's old boss figured out where she was and tracked her down and started blackmailing her. So Carol gave him some money she stole from the vineyard, and then gave him an heirloom bracelet that her mother-in-law gave her, and then some vintage bottles of wine. And the whole time, I guess I was supposed to feel sorry for Carol, since she was the protagonist and all, but I really kind of hated her. Everyone else was so nice, and she kind of sucked. I think I even liked the boss better than her, because even though he was a blackmailer and a rapist's brother, he was just looking for vengeance since his brother was dead. So finally Carol decided to write a note coming clean with her fake in-laws and then run away and have her baby alone, but the boss showed up one last time and then Carol's boyfriend showed up and tried (and failed) to beat up the boss. So then an alarm went off and woke up the in-laws and the father-in-law came out with a shotgun but he got knocked aside so then the mother-in-law (played by the mom from E.T., also known as Mrs. Covington) blew the boss away with the shotgun. So then you'd think that they'd all tell Carol to fuck right off since she'd lied to them and stolen from them, but instead they were all hugging her and shit. Which was horseshit. They should have prosecuted her! But it was still awesome.