Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Little House: "Mortal Mission"
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Little House: "Rage"
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Oprah: "How Clean is Your House?"
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
Dying to Dance
Friday, October 29, 2004
The Mansion
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
The Blue Lagoon
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Clean House
This week, the team went to help a mother and a daughter. Excuse me, a horrible awful shrew of a woman, and her emotionally abused daughter. This woman, from the moment the show began, blamed her college-aged daughter for their clutter, and refused to accept even one iota of blame, not even for teaching or allowing her daughter to let things get so bad. ["She also had nasty turkey wattles on her neck and a terrible haircut that looked like she had never rinsed any conditioner out of her hair, like, ever, it was so flat. Not to focus on her appearance, but she was hateful, and she deserves it." -- Wing Chun] So while they were cleaning out, the daughter was somewhat reluctant to let things go, but the mother would just out-and-out refuse. Finally, after much cajoling, she gave some items up for the garage sale, but then she kept sneaking out and taking things back into the house when she thought no one was looking. It was at this point that I began actively rooting for this woman to get a room that she hated, because she did not deserve a good room. She was horrible to her daughter, repeatedly telling the daughter that she was entirely to blame, and yelling at her, pouting, stomping off, and just being a completely negative person. So they didn't make a whole lot of money at the garage sale, partly because the mother refused to give up anything that they might actually be able to sell for a decent profit. So then, the designer and organizer got to work on the living room and daughter's bedroom, which I thought both turned out very nice. And of course, the mom hated the daughter's bedroom, even though the daughter liked it. The mom kept pointing out more things for the daughter to hate, and the only thing she would admit that she liked was the closet, which had been organized, but even then, she was like, "Well, it won't stay that way." So then they went to the living room, and the mom just FLIPPED OUT and hated everything about it. Niecy tried to get the mom to admit that the only way that she would have been happy was if they had left the room exactly as it was before, and she wouldn't even admit that. So then, the show people left and clearly looked like they needed a stiff drink after dealing with that harridan for two days. What I wouldn't give to see the outtakes from that episode, where they were all like, "Seriously. I'm quitting. I can't take this bitch." That would be awesome.
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Wife Swap
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Brady Bunch Reunion Special
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
The Babysitter
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Starting Over
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Childhood Sweetheart?
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Red Wind
Blow Out/Cheap Seats
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Days of Our Lives
Sunday, June 6, 2004
Unwed Father
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Why My Daughter?
Tuesday, May 4, 2004
10.5
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Those Secrets
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Her Last Chance
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Nightscream/Real World Road Rules Challenge
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
Little House: "May We Make Them Proud"
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Average Joe/The Apprentice
Friday, March 19, 2004
The Brady Bunch: "My Fair Opponent"
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Little House: "Back to School"
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Laura falls in love with Almanzo. It starts out with Nellie graduating from school because she took her exams early (this is important later), and then her parents buy her a restaurant to try to make her more attractive for a husband, which proves that even Nellie's parents know that Nellie is a stone cold bitch. Anyway, Laura meets the new teacher's brother, Almanzo, and thinks he's so dreamy that when he says that she can call him by his nickname, Manny, she accidentally calls him Manly. Hee! Although it's weird that he claimed his nickname was Manny since not one person on the show (except Laura) ever calls him anything but Almanzo. But then Harriet Olson gets wind of a new bachelor in town and tries to set him up with Nellie for a dinner date. The only problem is that Nellie can't cook. So Laura volunteers to cook the dinner secretly, and Almanzo says he wants cinnamon chicken, which sounds totally disgusting if you ask me, and Laura substitutes cayenne pepper for the cinnamon, with predictably slapstick results for Nellie and Almanzo's date. But Almanzo wasn't into Nellie anyway, so it all worked out for everyone but Nellie. And Harriet.
Then Ma and Pa make Laura apologize to Nellie, and Harriet gasps and tsks and it's pretty awesome, but Laura runs away when they try to get her to apologize to Almanzo. So Pa has a heart-to-heart with Laura and tells her that she's not an adult yet, but that she will be when she becomes a teacher.
Laura, as usual, takes this totally literally and decides that she needs to graduate and become a teacher immediately. So she borrows Nellie's books to study, and Nellie tells Laura that there wasn't any history on the exam when she took it. So then Laura studies everything but history and on the day of the exam, Almanzo wishes her luck with a kiss on the forehead. Nellie sees this and tells Almanzo that she's going to bring him some cookies at his house later that day. So Laura takes the test -- which of course has a ton of history questions on it -- and runs out crying. As she's sitting in the woods having a good cry, she spots Nellie walking back from her cookie delivery to Almanzo. So Nellie totally rubs it in that she was at Almanzo's house, and Laura confonts Nellie about the history lie, and Nellie smarms it up, and Laura grabs Nellie and tosses her into a nearby pond. So then they start wrestling in the mud! And it was so awesome! And just to make it better, Almanzo picks that moment to drive by and breaks up the fight and Nellie says that Laura will be sorry, and Almanzo takes Laura to his house to get cleaned up, which prompts an excellent slow burn which leads up to a full-fledged temper tantrum from Nellie complete with flailing about in the mud. And the music in the background was a zany version of "Wait 'Til The Sun Shines, Nellie" so props to the music department. So then Harriet shows Ma and Pa how muddy Nellie is and they totally laugh, so Nellie says that Laura attacked her because Nellie saw Laura and Almanzo kissing. So Pa gets all pissed off and takes off to Almanzo's house with Jonathan Garvey. So Pa knocks on the door and starts punching Almanzo. Laura explains what happened, and Almanzo says that Laura's just a little girl. So Pa and Laura both feel like crap. Pa apologizes to Almanzo, and Laura yells that she's a woman, and then runs out and slams the door, because that's an adult thing to do. Which Ma points out, and tells Laura to start acting like a woman if she wants Almanzo to notice her. So then Pa and Laura make up and go fishing, and Laura voice-overs that she knew someday she would be Laura Ingalls Wilder, although frankly, the way Almanzo was portrayed in the show, I'm not sure why Laura thought he was such a good catch, but then again her alternatives were, like, Willie Olson or Albert, I guess. But the whole thing was awesome.
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
Mishmash
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
A Face to Kill For
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Mommie Dearest
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
Cover Story
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Death of a Cheerleader
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Little House: "Here Come the Brides"
So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times. So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs. So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.