Dying to Belong

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie on Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Belong. The movie opens with a scene of some girls kidnapping this other girl and then taking her out in the woods and throwing her out of the car and then she maybe gets hit by a truck and then there is a shot of a white rose with blood dripping on it so right away you know it's going to be awesome. So then Hilary Swank goes to college and has a roommate with blue hair, who was actually the coolest person in the movie. But then Hilary meets Six from Blossom in line to register so they decide to be roommates, and they just kick Blue Hair out, which was kind of shitty but maybe I'm just sensitive because the same thing happened to me my freshman year. So then Hilary and Six decide to rush a sorority and Hilary is a legacy so all of the girls in the sorority (including Second Becky from Roseanne and Tracy Middendorf, who I know as Carrie Brady from Days) love Hilary and ignore Six, and Hilary just walks off with them and leaves Six to stand there awkwardly and think about how she's gained, like, twenty pounds since Blossom ended and is forced to wear overalls in every scene. So then Hilary meets Zach from Saved by the Bell while working on the college paper, like could this movie have a more awesome cast? And you know they love each other because in every scene they have, the soundtrack is this cheesy remake of "Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover," like, they couldn't even spring for Sophie B. Hawkins so you know it was low-budget. So then Hilary and Six get into the sorority and then there is hazing, which is such bullshit because who would brush the bathroom floor with their toothbrush just to hang out with Second Becky? And then Hilary gets pissed and walks out and the other girls encourage Six to hang this banner from the clock tower and Six totally takes a header and dies! And the girls pretend they had nothing to do with it, so of course Hilary and Zach try to uncover the truth but no one believes it and in the end they find the girl from the opening scene who was paid off by the school not to reveal that she nearly died in a hazing incident the year before and then Hilary tricks the sorority girls into confessing and the sorority is shut down. Rest assured that if you see this movie in the listings, it's worth watching because it is awesome.

Too Close to Home

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on Television Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on television last week was a television movie (of course) on the Lifetime Move Network (of course) starring Angela from Who's The Boss as Ricky "The Ricker" Schroeder's mother and it was called Too Close to Home. So Angela is all obsessed with her son, The Ricker is a twenty-nine-year-old lawyer who still lives at home. And just to give you a sense of how messed up things are, the movie starts with Angela bringing The Ricker a birthday cake in bed, and then totally watching as he goes into the bathroom (leaving the door open) and gets in the shower. Gross! So The Ricker drops the bomb that he's going to move out on his own and Angela goes to the apartment he wants and seduces the landlord to keep The Ricker from getting the apartment. So then The Ricker says he's going to move in with a friend and Angela tries to kill herself by downing some pills and vodka. And then while she's in the hospital, The Ricker meets up with her nurse, Abby, and starts dating her. So Angela is obviously not happy about this and digs up some fake arrest reports that say how Abby committed fraud and tricked some dude into marrying her. The Ricker tells Abby and then proposes (huh? I know!) and then Abby admits that she's pregnant. Wuh? So they run off and get married and then The Ricker calls Angela who pretends she's all happy but secretly pays off a homeless man to pose as The Ricker so they can go to the courthouse and get the marriage annulled. I don't know what the point of the annulment was, because when Angela finds out that Abby is preggo, she manufactures a ruse to get The Ricker out of the house and then hires two men to kidnap Abby but they accidentally kill Abby instead. Oops! So then there must be a law that all Lifetime movies need a courtroom scene in the second hour, and Angela is arrested for the crime, and The Ricker is going to be her lawyer. And then on cross-examination, all of Angela's misdeeds come out, plus some other stuff about how The Ricker had an older sister who died at the age of three months, and Angela's been married seven times, and arrested numerous times and blah blah blah and The Ricker knew none of this. So then his mother is on Death Row and he goes to visit her and he keeps pressing her to admit something and I thought it was going to be a big surprise like that she slept with her own father and that's how The Ricker came to be or something, but really she just admits that she had Abby killed, like duh! We already knew that. And then Angela goes to the gas chamber. Awesome.

Wildflower

And now it's time for our weekly installment of "The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week." Once again, this week's selection was courtesy of the greatest channel ever, Lifetime Movie Network. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Wildflower starring a young Reese Witherspoon as a Southern tomboy who lives with her older brother and drunken father (played by a slovenly Beau Bridges). Reese's mom is dead and one day Reese is out looking for a flower to put on her dead mom's grave, which is conveniently located in their front yard, which is creepy as hell. She comes across a dilapidated shed, and inside is a slightly feral girl who keeps a possum as a pet. Awesome. This feral girl, Alice, is played by Patricia Arquette, who totally out-Nells Jodie Foster. Anyway, Reese befriends Alice, and brings her older brother around too. Together, they teach Alice how to talk and shit, and it turns out that Alice is deaf and epileptic, so her stepfather thinks she is possessed by the devil and keeps her locked in the shed. And of course the brother falls in love with Alice but their love is forbidden except one night when he comes upon her bathing in the river and they totally almost do it but then don't. And the stepfather nearly catches Reese and her brother locking Alice back into her shed one night and they all run away and then Alice has an epileptic seizure in a cornfield and the doctor comes and isn't at all concerned that Alice lives in a shed but tells Reese about hearing aids, which are expensive. So Reese hocks her dead mother's locket to get Alice a hearing aid. Then the brother is supposed to go to college but Drunken Beau doesn't think his son needs any more book learning, but then he relents and Alice is all sad. So the stepfather nearly kills Alice and her mother one night and then falls off the porch and injures himself and can't walk and Alice's mom says that Alice can go live with Drunken Beau and Reese, which gives Drunken Beau a Reason to Live so he cleans up. The awesome part was when Drunken Beau and Reese came to take Alice away and the stepfather totally shot Alice's pet possum with a shotgun from his bedroom window. And then Reese's grandma teaches Alice to read and write but the older brother is all citified so he ignores Alice's letters and when he comes home, he blows her off. Meanwhile, Alice's mom is totally still living with the abusive murderous stepfather but no one really cares about her. And then there's a big town dance so Reese writes letters to her brother about how Alice has a new dress and her bosoms show and all the boys are courting her so the brother gets all jealous and hitches a ride home. But before he arrives at the dance, Alice's mother is there watching from the outside because no one cares about her and then the stepfather has miraculously recovered and shows up to take Alice and her mom back home, and then No-Longer-Drunken Beau yells, "We's her family now!" Which was awesome. And then the brother shows up and dances with Alice and they make out. The end.

She Fought Alone

And now it's time for our next installment of The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called She Fought Alone. It starred Tiffani-Amber Theissen (Val from 90210) and Brian Austin Green (David Silver from 90210). Val played this unpopular girl in small-town Nebraska or Montana or Ohio or something who suddenly gets boobs, I guess, so the popular crowd wants to include her all of a sudden. David Silver is the quarterback of the football team, so he mostly drives around in cars that he restored himself and wears tank tops and shit. So the initiation ceremony to be in the popular crowd is to go to this fake prom that they hold in an abandoned barn, where they all dress up in old dresses, and then they make Val the prom queen and then they totally pour blood on her like Carrie and Val puts her finger in the blood and licks it and goes, "Mmm, raspberry" like what the hell? So now she's cool and she totally wants to do it with David Silver. But David Silver's friend Horndog likes Val and he totally comes over to her house and rapes her when no one is home. So Val wants to rat him out, but no one believes her because she's nobody and the guy is a football player. And the popular crowd is all sexually harassing her and setting things up so that she thinks they are going to forgive her, but really they are just going to wave flashlights in her face and grope her and cut all her hair off. I know. Awesome. So then she gets a lawyer and shit and eventually Horndog admits to David Silver that he totally did rape her but whatever. So then David Silver decides that he really loves Val! And he tells her! And she runs away with him! After he sexually harassed her and cut all her hair off! So that was awesome. Then there was a showdown in the weirdly deserted town square where David Silver tries to defend Val's honor and he ends up stabbing Horndog in the leg with Horndog's own knife. Then David Silver and Val decide to run away together but David Silver's mom is, like, an invalid so he can't really leave. So then Val goes to college and she comes home to visit David Silver who is living a pathetic existence working on cars and caring for his invalid mother and still wearing tank tops and then the movie just kind of ends. But it was the most awesome thing I saw last week. I have high hopes for next week because I recorded movies with the following descriptions: "A teenager may be the reincarnation of a long-dead witch," "An Idaho woman is attacked by an acquaintance in Hollywood," and "Two women break out of rehab for a motorcycle road trip." So I know at least one of those will be awesome.