Little House: "Rage"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that I had actually never seen before, probably because it was one of the later ones with Shannen Doherty, which are usually crap. Anyway, Shannen Doherty's friend is sweet on a boy, but her pa, Robert Loggia, doesn't approve. And then Robert Loggia has to go to Sleepy Eye to get a bank loan so he didn't lose his farm (which would be like the third business he's lost), and the bank totally turns him down. So Robert Loggia loses it and comes home and shoots his wife and daughter, which was kind of a gritty storyline for Little House, but his family doesn't die. So of course, they have to involve Laura somehow. So all the town men (like Almanzo and Mr. Edwards and Nels Olsen) go out looking for Robert Loggia, but Robert Loggia goes to Laura's house. And he thinks Laura is his wife, and Shannen Doherty is his daughter. So Laura plays along until she can figure out what to do, but then Robert Loggia finds Laura's baby, and he thinks his daughter had a secret baby with the boy she liked, and he gets all pissed that everyone lied to him. So somehow, Laura convinces him to go with her to the boy's house and confront him, and while they go out to the barn, Shannen Doherty hides in the storm cellar with the baby. But then Laura clocks Robert Loggia with a piece of wood and makes a run for it. So of course, Robert Loggia pops back up because she didn't shoot him or anything, and now he's really mad. And that part was actually kind of scary. So they go back in the house and he can't find Shannen Doherty and the baby, and Robert Loggia and Laura get in a big fight and he knocks over a lantern and starts a fire. So Laura totally panics and yells out that Shannen Doherty and the baby are in the storm cellar, because she's afraid the fire will trap them. Meanwhile, it was like the smallest fire ever, and Robert Loggia put it out by stomping on it, so good one, Laura. Finally, Laura convinces Robert Loggia to let Shannen Doherty go get some water from the well, and Shannen starts running around looking for help. And Robert Loggia has a moment of lucidity where he realizes that Laura isn't his wife. But then the men of town show up and shoot Robert Loggia dead. All in all, it was pretty dark for Little House, which was awesome.

Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception starring Joan Van Ark. She played a wife and mother who tried to get a promotion at the bank where she worked, but got turned down because she didn't ask for it quickly enough and they didn't know she was interested. So for some reason, this sends her into a downward spiral. Plus, her husband is kind of a dick and her daughter is leaving for college. So she starts having back pain and her doctor refers her to a pain specialist, which is a nice way of saying that he thinks she's loony. So the pain specialist is clearly a cult leader, and here's how you know. First, he works at a place called The Institute. How would she not know that was a cult? And also, he has wind chimes. Come on. Cult. And also he's constantly giving her back rubs and whispering to her and shit. So he convinces Joan Van Ark to go to The Institute, and he implants the suggestion that her husband used to beat her, even though he didn't, so she leaves home for good. So then her daughter and her husband contact a cult expert and they kidnap Joan and take her to a remote cabin in the woods (as you do) and try to deprogram her. And the cult leader finds the cabin and there's a big confrontation and of course, her family wins out and they live happily ever after. Can you imagine their dinner conversation in the following year? "Hey, Mom. Remember when you were in that creepy cult and accused Dad of beating you? Good times. That was hilarious." So that was awesome.

Oprah: "How Clean is Your House?"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Oprah that aired on Thursday. Ostensibly, it was promoting the show How Clean Is Your House?, which I've watched before, so I was familiar with the two British ladies who go into disgusting houses and show a nationwide audience how filthy people can be. So Oprah had it set up for the ladies to go into this woman's apartment and clean it up. But, oh my Lord. Okay, to set it up, this lady looked like a totally average member of Oprah's audience -- well-dressed, nice jewelry, expensive haircut. But her house was...well, let me describe it. First, there was dog poop all over the place, and I do mean all over the place, including in her bed. Like tons of it. Like, weeks' worth. Plus, she had two birds who had escaped their cage and she couldn't get them back in, so they were also just freely pooping wherever the mood struck. And then there was a flat of strawberries sitting on the dining-room table. Where it had been for two years. The cleaning ladies thought it was a box of dead mice. Plus, there was the usual crap strewn all over the place, and boxes, and whatnot. In her kitchen, she had a loaf of bread that was so old it had liquefied, and a dirty pot that contained maggots. It was about at this point that I realized the woman was not just your garden-variety slob. She was clearly mentally ill in some way, and it started to be kind of sad. She had putrefying meat in her refrigerator, and the toilet was so dirty that it was black. I'm just describing the tip of the iceberg, but I have seriously never seen a filthier place, and I once visited an old bachelor farmer who owned like thirty-seven cats. So then Oprah pretty much derailed the show to tell the woman that she clearly had mental problems and needed to get serious help, and the woman was all in denial about it, and Oprah was like, "No, for real. Get help." ["Kim, you forgot the part where she had been married and divorced six times, so clearly, her problems extended to many areas of her life. And how she kept standing up and asking the audience for 'peace and blessings' and they were like hissing at her because they hated her so much." -- Wing Chun] All I can say is that if you didn't see it, you should watch for a repeat because it was awesome.

Dying to Dance

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Dance. First of all, the title is awesome, and I bet you could figure out the whole plot just from the title. Take a second. I'll wait. Okay, it starred Robin Scorpio as a young dancer, and her parents were Gale Leery and (wait for it!) Rick Springfield. How awesome is that! So Robin Scorpio gets into some prestigious ballet company, even though her boobs were way too big for that to happen, not to mention that she's way too short. Oh, and she's also not a good dancer. So then there are the obligatory scenes where there's a mean guy in charge and a stern but kind ballet teacher, and bitchy girls in the locker room, and the sassy black best friend, and the straight male dancer, and you're like, "Wait, is this Center Stage?" and then you realize it's not, because it's not that good. And then Robin Scorpio's mentor drops dead during rehearsal from anorexia or something related to diet pills. So then you'd think Robin Scorpio would realize that the ballet company was bullshit, but instead she keeps getting crap about her "line," which is code for "fat ass." So she stops eating and starts taking "herbals" and Gale Leery is all worried about her and Rick Springfield is a workaholic so he really doesn't care and there's an awesome scene where Robin Scorpio decides that she needs to do a thousand stomach crunches, and they show the clock ticking and it's an hour and forty-five minutes later and she's STILL DOING CRUNCHES, like, is that even possible? Then Robin passes out and has to go to the hospital, but she manages to convince everyone that it was a momentary lapse, and she goes back to dancing because she's...wait for it...dying to dance. So then Gale Leery starts snooping around Robin's room and finds a shrine to anorexia which features photos of Robin Scorpio with "Fat Pig" written on them and shit like that, so she pulls Robin Scorpio out of the company and threatens the mean head guy with a lawsuit because he sent Robin Scorpio a letter telling her to lose weight and then there's a big benefit for the dead mentor and Mrs. Dead Mentor gets up and gives a big speech about how terrible eating disorders are and then they do a dance from The Lion King or something similarly ethnic and Robin Scorpio is cured! Which was awesome.