Red Wind

And now it's time for the final Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week of the season. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called Red Wind starring Miss Lisa Hartman (before she married Clint Black). So anyway, Lisa plays a psychologist who is also an expert in sexuality and S&M relationships. Of course. There are a lot of hints in the beginning that the reason she's an expert is because she has been in such a relationship herself. Anyway, Lisa gets a new client -- a woman who is always shown in shadows -- who is being abused and sexually humiliated by her husband. So after they show shady woman for about one minute, I call my husband into the room and say, "That's a dude, right?" And he watches for five seconds and goes, "Yeah, obviously." So I spent the rest of the movie wondering how dumb Lisa was that she didn't know her client was a dude. So anyway, the client tells Lisa how she's going to kill her husband and put him in the wood chipper in her back yard. As you do. And the title is from when the woman described how she would turn her husband into a red wind. Ew. So then Lisa goes to the client's house, and there's blood all over the wood chipper. So instead of calling the cops, Lisa runs around and screams and messes up the evidence and then goes home. So the cops come sniffing around, and Lisa denies involvement. And then Lisa mysteriously has a new client -- a man -- who knows a lot about the wood chipper lady's life. Wow, I wonder how that guy knew so much? So Lisa falls into an abusive relationship with this guy, totally ditching her nice, normal boyfriend, played by Christopher "Shooter McGavin" McDonald. And then, there's supposed to be this big reveal where you find out that the male client and the female client are the same person, but anyone with eyes figured that out about ten minutes into the movie. And I haven't even mentioned the cigarette-smoking parking-lot attendant who helps the police and is the true star of the film. Which was awesome.

Blow Out/Cheap Seats

And now it's time for the first Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. Since I'm doing two this week, I thought I would use the first to mention a few awesome things I've seen on TV lately that you could watch now that you will have a half-hour hole in your schedule every week. The first awesome show that you should totally be watching is Blow Out on Bravo. It's supposed to be the story of what happened when celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin decided to open a second salon in Beverly Hills. In the first episode, they tried to set up a Puck-like hairdresser named Brandon as Jonathan's nemesis, in order to introduce some conflict to the situation, but then Jonathan fired Brandon, and not a moment too soon, because the true conflict lies in watching what a douchebag Jonathan is, and how horribly he treats his staff, and his general clueless tool behavior. Each week, people cringe when they deal with him, and he has no idea. He throws temper tantrums and hissyfits, and expects everyone on his staff to kiss his ass at all times, and as long as you don't have to work for him, it's awesome. The other show that you should be watching is Cheap Seats on ESPN Classic. ESPN? But I"m not a sports fan! Don't worry. This show basically features comedians the Sklar Brothers giving the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment to ludicrous faux-sporting events from the past, like roller derby. At times, the Sklars' pre-filmed bits go on a bit long -- they should really stick to showing silly footage and making fun of it. But each episode features at least two or three jokes that make me laugh out loud, because I can't resist a smart-ass snarking on bad television. It also makes me jealous that I don't have their jobs.

Days of Our Lives

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. In college, I used to watch Days of Our Lives because my roommate did, and I was in the room at the time, but then I was hooked. And when my husband and I first started dating in college, he would come over for lunch and watch the show with us. But then we both graduated and stopped watching. But I heard that James E. Reilly was returning as head writer, and he created the "Marlena is possessed" storyline, which was so ridiculously awesome that it frightened me, so I had to start watching again. Plus, the summer is always the best time to watch soaps because they focus on the teen storylines to attract the kids who are out of school. So right now, Marlena and a bunch of other boring people (like Roman and Abe) are presumed dead, but really they are on an island somewhere, and on the island is an exact replica of Salem. Which is genius, because they didn't have to build a whole new set -- they just stuck some palm trees in the regular set, which was awesome. And the other thing that my husband and I enjoy looking for is how any male will find any excuse to remove his shirt. Seriously, each day at least half of the male cast members are running around without their shirts on. Sometimes they just got out of the shower, or sometimes they are being held captive in a cage by an insane chick dressed as an old lady, but sometimes they just don't have shirts on for no apparent reason. But truly the most awesome thing happened on Friday. Bonnie opened this honkeytonk bar, and Rex and Philip (played by Kyle from the Chicago season of The Real World) were bartending. And suddenly this musical montage started where Rex and Philip went all Cocktail and started flipping bottles around, and people were line dancing, and the camera was zooming in on a neon sign, and then Belle and Philip were riding the mechanical bull together, and then there was more bottle flipping and everyone was cheering and I kept saying, "This is NOT happening." But it was, and it was awesome.

Unwed Father

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie called Unwed Father, starring Brian Austin Green, a.k.a. David Silver. So David Silver was in a band (naturally), and he hooked up with Sue Scanlon in a weird bit of 90210 crossover, and they totally did it, and then Sue Scanlon got knocked up. So Sue Scanlon tried to get David Silver involved, and he was like, "Whatever, it's probably not even mine." So Sue Scanlon and her best friend (Emma from Kate & Allie) went to the abortion clinic, but Sue Scanlon chickened out. Cut to ten months later: Sue Scanlon is trying to raise the baby alone and her mom is a total bitch about it, yelling at Sue because the baby cries, like Sue can help it. So Sue gets fed up and dumps the baby at David Silver's house. And he's rich and lives with his parents. So David Silver tries to dump the baby on Social Services, but they're like, "Hello, we have to help babies who don't have rich dads who are just too selfish to take care of their children." So David goes and gets a DNA test and his father hires a nanny while they are waiting for the results. So then David's stepmother gets sick of the kid crying and convinces David's father to kick David out of the house. So then David has to get a real job, and of course somewhere along the way, he learns to love the baby, and this is exemplified by the time he is carrying the baby and his guitar and amp to his houseboat, and he trips and saves the baby and lets the guitar fall into the water. See how caring he is? So then Sue Scanlon comes back and wants the baby back, but David Silver is like, "No, I love him now!" And then the movie goes on way longer than it needs to, because of course they work out a custody agreement and live happily ever after. And it was awesome.