Death of a Cheerleader

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week may have been Randy's scribble taped to his chest, but that doesn't really count. I also rewatched one of the classic Lifetime movies, called Death Of A Cheerleader. (It's also been aired under the title A Friend To Die For.) Anyway, Becca Thatcher plays a goody two-shoes who transfers from Catholic school to public school and has trouble fitting in. She idolizes the popular girls, and the most popular of them all is Tori Spelling, of course. So Becca decides to become popular by doing activities. She joins the Larks, which is a service organization for the popular girls. She hopes to become yearbook editor, but she doesn't get it, even though she's the best writer in the sophomore class. She hopes to become a cheerleader, even though she's not very athletic. Through it all, she wants to become best friends with Tori Spelling, even though Tori is a huge bitch. When Becca gets cut from the cheerleaders, she has a nervous breakdown, which she portrays by widening her eyes and playing with her hair more than usual. Becca's sister tries to console her while they are driving in the car, and her sister is totally eating a cucumber with a knife while driving, and she offers some to Becca by poking the knife into Becca's face, like, first of all, who eats a cucumber plain, and second of all, who slices a cucumber while driving, and third of all, her sister then totally leaves the knife in the car, like what if someone sits on it or something? So then Becca gets the idea to take Tori to a party that she heard about. So Becca tells her parents that she's babysitting and somehow convinces her mom (Valerie Harper) to drive her over and then leave the car, even though Becca doesn't have a license, so that it will look like someone's home while she's babysitting. So Valerie Harper has to walk home in these unsafe conditions. So then Becca drives over to Tori's house, but Tori thinks the whole thing is horseshit and wants to stop and smoke a joint, except she calls it "grass" which was unintentionally hilarious. So then Tori decides to bail on the whole thing, and goes to a nearby house and asks for a ride home, and the dad gives her one, and Becca follows, and before Tori gets into her house, Becca runs up and stabs her, like, twenty times, and then runs away. And the guy giving the ride sort of saw what happened and didn't even stop and help Tori, or chase after Becca, which was weird. So then the cops are trying to figure out who did it, and they don't know, and Becca's alibi is that she was babysitting, which the cops never even bother to check out, even though Becca fits the killer's description and drives the car that was seen leaving the murder scene. So then it's, like, ten months later and Becca feels guilty and ends up confessing and going to trial, and the trial part is really long, for no reason, because whether she's guilty of first or second degree, the punishment is the same since she's a minor. And there's this whole ridiculous trial with no jury or anything and then the judge lectures the community on being more tolerant of poor people and then Becca goes to juvenile detention. And it was awesome.

Little House: "Here Come the Brides"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that the forum posters tipped me off about. A widower and his son move to Walnut Grove. Nellie Oleson totally gets the hots for the son, Luke, even though he's a big hick who wears overalls and no shoes, and even though she's usually a total bitch. Nellie invites Luke to dinner, and Harriet is all psyched when Nellie says that Luke's dad own a huge farm, but then Luke shows up and they play hayseed-type music and he doesn't wear shoes and he eats the entire hunk of meat instead of taking one slice and Harriet forbids Nellie from seeing Luke again. So Harriet enlists Miss Beadle to tell Luke's dad, Adam, to stop the relationship, and Miss Beadle is all over that since she thinks Adam is a hottie, and she goes out to his farm, and they totally fall in love, and the most awesome part is that their names are Adam and Eva. So the next day after school, Luke and Mary Ingalls go to the mercantile to buy a ring, and Nels and Harriet totally think that Luke has thrown Nellie over for Mary (and who wouldn't, because Mary was kind of hot and Nellie was a bitch). But it turns out Luke just wanted Mary to pick out a ring for Nellie.

So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times. So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs. So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.

Prison of Secrets

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was probably Frankie running down the pier with a towel over her head because she's scared of big boats. But since that doesn't really qualify, I guess I'll tell you all about this Lifetime Movie Network movie I watched called Prison of Secrets. Awesome title. Anyway, it starred Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as a wife and mother who, in an effort to save her boss some money, created her own consulting company and billed the company for the consulting work while she was still working there. And then when the cops came to arrest her, she didn't understand why that might be a conflict of interest. Although her boss must have really hated her to have her arrested instead of, you know, talking to her about it or just firing her. So her lawyer urges her to accept a plea bargain, but she still thinks she's done nothing wrong, so she wants to go to trial, like, what part of "conflict of interest" does she not get? So she's totally convicted of "conflict of interest," which I didn't know was a crime punishable by imprisonment, but whatever. So when she gets to prison, she quickly learns that the prison guard, Kevin Arnold's dad, forces the female inmates to have sex. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist wants to expose this practice, and she tells her husband on visiting day, and he's basically like, "As long as they're not bothering you, stay out of it," like, nice attitude, husband. But then the husband sees Mr. Arnold totally feel up Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist while he's supposed to be frisking her, and he gets pissed. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist gets her lawyer to file a lawsuit against the prison, but they need signed affadavits from the victims, and no one wants to do it. And then there's this one awesome scene where Rusty needs a sanitary napkin and the guard won't give it to her and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist busts into the supply room and starts throwing supplies up into the air, giving new meaning to Always with Wings. So then the other prisoners like her, because she took care of their menstrual needs, and her husband is also using his radio show to publicize what's going on in the prison. So then the victims write up their statements and smuggle them out of the prison with the help of a sympathetic female guard, and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist is freed, which doesn't really make sense, because it's not like she was innocent of the crime for which she was convicted. But it was awesome.

The Warriors

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week wasn't actually on television. Well, it was on my television, but it was a movie I rented called The Warriors. And oh, man, was it awesome. See, it takes place in New York City in the 1970s and all the rival gangs come together for a big meeting. The best part is all the different gangs and their themes. There's one gang that dresses up like mimes. I shit you not. There's another gang that dresses in baseball uniforms and paints their faces like KISS. Another gang is on roller skates and wears overalls. And there's a girl gang called "The Lizzies" because "The Lezzies" was probably too risqué. I guess there's sort of a plot, but it doesn't really matter, because the best part of the movie is just seeing all the different gangs. So Wing Chun and I started making up our own themed gangs. Like what if there was a gang that wore old-timey clothes and rode around on pennyfarthings? Or a gang of nuns wielding rulers? Or what about a gang of stereotypical French men who wore striped shirts, had handlebar moustaches, and used baguettes as a weapon? I knew we should have written them down, because we came up with a lot more, and they were awesome. Wing, do you remember any? ["Rodeo clowns. A girl gang that dresses up like sexy nurses and kills people with needles. And, of course, The Founding Fathers, the awesomest one of all, and Kim's creation. Dude, I can't believe you forgot that one!" -- Wing Chun]