Little House: "Mortal Mission"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I'll tell you, between the holidays and all of the repeats for the last few weeks, television has not been all that awesome. But I did see an episode of Little House that I had actually never seen before, so that was pretty awesome. See, this rancher had some sick sheep, but he still needed to sell them for slaughter or his farm would go under. And the sheep totally had the ANTHRAX! And every time they said ANTHRAX it was in all-caps and then there would be a portentous musical cue. So of course, Ma and Mrs. Garvey both buy some of this cheap lamb for dinner, because they are poor, as does pretty much everyone else in town. And then they all start coming down with ANTHRAX! So Laura and Albert get it, and Nellie, Willie, and Nels Olsen, and Adam and various blind school students, and Andrew and Alice Garvey. They bring all the sick people to the blind school to use as a temporary hospital. So then Pa and Jonathan Garvey get home from wherever the hell they were and Doc Baker gets them to head to Springfield and get the medicine that's coming on the train. Meanwhile, Really Angry Dad gets all upset that his son is dead and tries to kill the rancher, who has also come down with the ANTHRAX, and really, how dumb was he to eat his own tainted lamb? But the rancher is already dead, because he was a bad person. So then Pa and Jonathan are coming home with the medicine, and they get hijacked by a wild-eyed homesteader who wants all the medicine for himself and his family, and takes Pa and Jonathan hostage. So finally the homesteader's wife betrays him, because he's crazy, and Pa and Jonathan take the medicine to the blind school. So a few people died, but none of the main characters. And then, once the worst was over, Hester Sue started singing about Jesus, because she's black. And it was awesome.

Little House: "Rage"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that I had actually never seen before, probably because it was one of the later ones with Shannen Doherty, which are usually crap. Anyway, Shannen Doherty's friend is sweet on a boy, but her pa, Robert Loggia, doesn't approve. And then Robert Loggia has to go to Sleepy Eye to get a bank loan so he didn't lose his farm (which would be like the third business he's lost), and the bank totally turns him down. So Robert Loggia loses it and comes home and shoots his wife and daughter, which was kind of a gritty storyline for Little House, but his family doesn't die. So of course, they have to involve Laura somehow. So all the town men (like Almanzo and Mr. Edwards and Nels Olsen) go out looking for Robert Loggia, but Robert Loggia goes to Laura's house. And he thinks Laura is his wife, and Shannen Doherty is his daughter. So Laura plays along until she can figure out what to do, but then Robert Loggia finds Laura's baby, and he thinks his daughter had a secret baby with the boy she liked, and he gets all pissed that everyone lied to him. So somehow, Laura convinces him to go with her to the boy's house and confront him, and while they go out to the barn, Shannen Doherty hides in the storm cellar with the baby. But then Laura clocks Robert Loggia with a piece of wood and makes a run for it. So of course, Robert Loggia pops back up because she didn't shoot him or anything, and now he's really mad. And that part was actually kind of scary. So they go back in the house and he can't find Shannen Doherty and the baby, and Robert Loggia and Laura get in a big fight and he knocks over a lantern and starts a fire. So Laura totally panics and yells out that Shannen Doherty and the baby are in the storm cellar, because she's afraid the fire will trap them. Meanwhile, it was like the smallest fire ever, and Robert Loggia put it out by stomping on it, so good one, Laura. Finally, Laura convinces Robert Loggia to let Shannen Doherty go get some water from the well, and Shannen starts running around looking for help. And Robert Loggia has a moment of lucidity where he realizes that Laura isn't his wife. But then the men of town show up and shoot Robert Loggia dead. All in all, it was pretty dark for Little House, which was awesome.

Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception starring Joan Van Ark. She played a wife and mother who tried to get a promotion at the bank where she worked, but got turned down because she didn't ask for it quickly enough and they didn't know she was interested. So for some reason, this sends her into a downward spiral. Plus, her husband is kind of a dick and her daughter is leaving for college. So she starts having back pain and her doctor refers her to a pain specialist, which is a nice way of saying that he thinks she's loony. So the pain specialist is clearly a cult leader, and here's how you know. First, he works at a place called The Institute. How would she not know that was a cult? And also, he has wind chimes. Come on. Cult. And also he's constantly giving her back rubs and whispering to her and shit. So he convinces Joan Van Ark to go to The Institute, and he implants the suggestion that her husband used to beat her, even though he didn't, so she leaves home for good. So then her daughter and her husband contact a cult expert and they kidnap Joan and take her to a remote cabin in the woods (as you do) and try to deprogram her. And the cult leader finds the cabin and there's a big confrontation and of course, her family wins out and they live happily ever after. Can you imagine their dinner conversation in the following year? "Hey, Mom. Remember when you were in that creepy cult and accused Dad of beating you? Good times. That was hilarious." So that was awesome.

Oprah: "How Clean is Your House?"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Oprah that aired on Thursday. Ostensibly, it was promoting the show How Clean Is Your House?, which I've watched before, so I was familiar with the two British ladies who go into disgusting houses and show a nationwide audience how filthy people can be. So Oprah had it set up for the ladies to go into this woman's apartment and clean it up. But, oh my Lord. Okay, to set it up, this lady looked like a totally average member of Oprah's audience -- well-dressed, nice jewelry, expensive haircut. But her house was...well, let me describe it. First, there was dog poop all over the place, and I do mean all over the place, including in her bed. Like tons of it. Like, weeks' worth. Plus, she had two birds who had escaped their cage and she couldn't get them back in, so they were also just freely pooping wherever the mood struck. And then there was a flat of strawberries sitting on the dining-room table. Where it had been for two years. The cleaning ladies thought it was a box of dead mice. Plus, there was the usual crap strewn all over the place, and boxes, and whatnot. In her kitchen, she had a loaf of bread that was so old it had liquefied, and a dirty pot that contained maggots. It was about at this point that I realized the woman was not just your garden-variety slob. She was clearly mentally ill in some way, and it started to be kind of sad. She had putrefying meat in her refrigerator, and the toilet was so dirty that it was black. I'm just describing the tip of the iceberg, but I have seriously never seen a filthier place, and I once visited an old bachelor farmer who owned like thirty-seven cats. So then Oprah pretty much derailed the show to tell the woman that she clearly had mental problems and needed to get serious help, and the woman was all in denial about it, and Oprah was like, "No, for real. Get help." ["Kim, you forgot the part where she had been married and divorced six times, so clearly, her problems extended to many areas of her life. And how she kept standing up and asking the audience for 'peace and blessings' and they were like hissing at her because they hated her so much." -- Wing Chun] All I can say is that if you didn't see it, you should watch for a repeat because it was awesome.

Dying to Dance

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Dance. First of all, the title is awesome, and I bet you could figure out the whole plot just from the title. Take a second. I'll wait. Okay, it starred Robin Scorpio as a young dancer, and her parents were Gale Leery and (wait for it!) Rick Springfield. How awesome is that! So Robin Scorpio gets into some prestigious ballet company, even though her boobs were way too big for that to happen, not to mention that she's way too short. Oh, and she's also not a good dancer. So then there are the obligatory scenes where there's a mean guy in charge and a stern but kind ballet teacher, and bitchy girls in the locker room, and the sassy black best friend, and the straight male dancer, and you're like, "Wait, is this Center Stage?" and then you realize it's not, because it's not that good. And then Robin Scorpio's mentor drops dead during rehearsal from anorexia or something related to diet pills. So then you'd think Robin Scorpio would realize that the ballet company was bullshit, but instead she keeps getting crap about her "line," which is code for "fat ass." So she stops eating and starts taking "herbals" and Gale Leery is all worried about her and Rick Springfield is a workaholic so he really doesn't care and there's an awesome scene where Robin Scorpio decides that she needs to do a thousand stomach crunches, and they show the clock ticking and it's an hour and forty-five minutes later and she's STILL DOING CRUNCHES, like, is that even possible? Then Robin passes out and has to go to the hospital, but she manages to convince everyone that it was a momentary lapse, and she goes back to dancing because she's...wait for it...dying to dance. So then Gale Leery starts snooping around Robin's room and finds a shrine to anorexia which features photos of Robin Scorpio with "Fat Pig" written on them and shit like that, so she pulls Robin Scorpio out of the company and threatens the mean head guy with a lawsuit because he sent Robin Scorpio a letter telling her to lose weight and then there's a big benefit for the dead mentor and Mrs. Dead Mentor gets up and gives a big speech about how terrible eating disorders are and then they do a dance from The Lion King or something similarly ethnic and Robin Scorpio is cured! Which was awesome.

The Mansion

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week is a reality show on TBS called The Mansion. I don't know why I have such a love for off-brand reality shows, but I really enjoy them. Maybe it's because there's no hype, or maybe it's because I often feel that I am the only person in the world watching them, but I can't get enough. Anyway, in this particular show, eight people moved into a mansion in Ohio (Ohio!), and each week they elect a foreman and renovate one room in the mansion, with time and budget constraints. Any money saved on budget goes to the foreman. Then some judges come through and decide how good it is, and reward the team with a paycheck of up to $10,000. They divide the paycheck into eight unequal amounts, and the foreman has to hand out the checks. There are no eliminations, which I also enjoy. And it's hosted by Mark L. Walberg, which is always fun. Anyway, the best episode so far featured the tough-talking New York native as foreman, and she was kind of incompetent, but not as incompetent as most of the others. And one of the guys was told that if he would just disappear from the job for, like, twelve hours, the whole team would get bonus money, so he did. And then at the end, when everyone found out why he disappeared (he claimed he was injured and went to the hospital), no one was even happy about it! They were all still pissed off. And then the team got their payday, and the foreman decided to keep all the money for herself, so no one got any money that week! The balls on her! And the weirdest part is that no one seems to care about it or even bring it up in future episodes. Since that happened, we've had a couple hooking up and breaking up, many fights, and lots of drama. Check it out on Saturday mornings (no, seriously) on TBS, because it is awesome.

The Blue Lagoon

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was yet another airing of The Blue Lagoon on TBS. I remember watching this movie as a kid, and being kind of thrilled because it seemed dirty, even though I was watching it on network television so all the dirty parts were cut out. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I've ever seen the uncut version. I'll have to remedy that. Anyway, in case you haven't seen it, it's the story of two kids, Richard and Emmeline, who are shipwrecked on a desert island with a crusty old dude named Paddy. See, they had to have the old dude along so it would be plausible that these kids could even remotely survive into their teens, and once they become teens...look out! Richard is constantly playing with himself, and Emmeline just thinks about God. But then they totally do it, although I was kind of wondering how they figured that one out. I mean, I know it's natural and all, but if you had no idea what sex was, or what was going on, and yet you had some sense of morality from being a child in the Victorian era, the whole sex thing just seemed implausible to me. And yet, Emmeline gets pregnant, even though she has no idea that she's pregnant. And they are remarkably not freaked out when the baby starts moving. I would think I ate a bug or something and it was growing inside me. So Emmeline gives birth and there's this mysterious tribe on the other side of the island, but that never really amounts to anything, which is pretty lame, because I assume they were cannibals. And then they go to a nearby island to get food or something and Emmeline just lets the baby wander into the boat and they drift out to sea together, and Richard tries to rescue them, but he loses the oars in the process because he's being chased by a shark. It was totally Emmeline's fault, and she was pretty whiny the whole time anyway. So then the baby eats these poison berries, and then Richard and Emmeline decide to kill themselves since they're lost at sea anyway and now their baby is dead. And then they get rescued by Albert Einstein (or someone who looked just like him) and they're not dead, just sleeping. Which seems like a huge cop-out and made me wonder if they added that ending after test audiences thought it was too depressing. Because just having them die would have been awesome.

Clean House

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Clean House, which is the Style Network equivalent of TLC's "clear out the clutter show" Clean Sweep. First of all, Clean House is awesome because it's hosted by Niecy Nash, who rules. And they go in and help some homeowners clear out their house and set up a garage sale. The reason this show is better than Clean Sweep (besides Niecy) is because the homeowners can only use the proceeds of their garage sale to pay for improvements to their home by an organizer and designer, so there's a built-in incentive.

This week, the team went to help a mother and a daughter. Excuse me, a horrible awful shrew of a woman, and her emotionally abused daughter. This woman, from the moment the show began, blamed her college-aged daughter for their clutter, and refused to accept even one iota of blame, not even for teaching or allowing her daughter to let things get so bad. ["She also had nasty turkey wattles on her neck and a terrible haircut that looked like she had never rinsed any conditioner out of her hair, like, ever, it was so flat. Not to focus on her appearance, but she was hateful, and she deserves it." -- Wing Chun] So while they were cleaning out, the daughter was somewhat reluctant to let things go, but the mother would just out-and-out refuse. Finally, after much cajoling, she gave some items up for the garage sale, but then she kept sneaking out and taking things back into the house when she thought no one was looking. It was at this point that I began actively rooting for this woman to get a room that she hated, because she did not deserve a good room. She was horrible to her daughter, repeatedly telling the daughter that she was entirely to blame, and yelling at her, pouting, stomping off, and just being a completely negative person. So they didn't make a whole lot of money at the garage sale, partly because the mother refused to give up anything that they might actually be able to sell for a decent profit. So then, the designer and organizer got to work on the living room and daughter's bedroom, which I thought both turned out very nice. And of course, the mom hated the daughter's bedroom, even though the daughter liked it. The mom kept pointing out more things for the daughter to hate, and the only thing she would admit that she liked was the closet, which had been organized, but even then, she was like, "Well, it won't stay that way." So then they went to the living room, and the mom just FLIPPED OUT and hated everything about it. Niecy tried to get the mom to admit that the only way that she would have been happy was if they had left the room exactly as it was before, and she wouldn't even admit that. So then, the show people left and clearly looked like they needed a stiff drink after dealing with that harridan for two days. What I wouldn't give to see the outtakes from that episode, where they were all like, "Seriously. I'm quitting. I can't take this bitch." That would be awesome.

Wife Swap

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week happened during Wife Swap. If you're not familiar with the premise, it's pretty much all in the title. Two women swap lives for two weeks. In the first week, they have to abide by the rules of their host family, and in the second week, the women get to make the rules. So, of course, since it's reality television, the producers choose women who have diametrically opposed lifestyles. So this week, a Southern woman who loves family and whose husband likes to hunt and fish swapped places with an Arkansas environmentalist and animal rights activist who hasn't seen her family in years. So the first awesome part was when the environmentalist was looking around her new home, and she came upon a mounted deer head, and she started SOBBING! And she was, like, petting the deer, and apologizing to the deer, and the woman was just bonkers. I mean, I like animals, and I'm not a big gun person or hunter, but the deer was already dead, and frankly, deer have few if any natural predators, so if it weren't for hunters, we'd be overrun. So anyway, at the end of the episode, the two couples meet and discuss what they've learned, and most weeks the couples manage to keep it barely civil, but this week, they were just totally bitchy to each other, and when the environmentalist woman found out that her dogs were made to sleep outside, she just lost it! And she was screaming and crying about how her dogs were ADOPTED and you can't make them sleep OUTSIDE and so on and so on. And pretty much everyone involved was kind of an asshole, but this woman was just stark raving mad, which was awesome.

Brady Bunch Reunion Special

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the Brady Bunch reunion special on TV Land. Not for what was said, but because there was so much unsaid. Jan and Peter clearly hate everyone else. Peter clearly hated Jenny McCarthy (the host). Jenny McCarthy kept asking questions that all of the actors had discussed and answered years ago, like, the best way to deal with those issues would have been to show a clip package or something, because the actors just got annoyed. No one wanted to mention that Robert Reed was kind of a dick to work with, although he was allegedly a nice enough guy in his personal life. Alice only got to show up for five seconds at the end, and she barely spoke. Cindy brought the mood down when she talked about how she cared for her dying parents. Really, the only interesting part that wasn't just my interpretation of the undercurrent were the many clips, which revealed to me just how much of my younger life was shaped by The Brady Bunch. I learned so many life lessons from that crazy blended family. And I still knew all of the words to the Silver Platters' songs, all these years later. And the dance moves. Which is awesome.

The Babysitter

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a Lifetime Move Network film called The Babysitter. It starred Patty Duke Astin as the mom and William Shatner as the dad and some ugly girl as their kid and then Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as...The Babysitter. So The Babysitter totally stalks the homely little girl, who is twelve, and still carries around a doll, so there might be something wrong with her, which would also explain why she needs a full-time baby sitter at age twelve. So anyway Shatner convinces Patty that, although she doesn't work outside the home, she needs to hire someone to clean, cook, and raise their daughter. Thus, the Babysitter joins their family, despite her mysterious past, and they don't even check her references or anything, but I guess this was before the era of the Amber Alert and people didn't think of such things. But they SHOULD HAVE! Because soon the Babysitter is convincing Patty, a recovering alcoholic, that she should start drinking again. And then she puts the moves on Shatner, which, ew. And then she throws a makeout party and totally does it with the neighbor kid and lets the homely girl drink a beer. Then she convinces Shatner to send Patty to rehab or something. And I have no idea why, but she takes the homely girl and the neighbor kid sailing and totally kills the neighbor kid by knocking him into the water with the boom. The cops apparently don't care about this at all, but the neighbor boy's grandpa won't let it go. I guess the kid didn't have any parents. So Gramps starts looking into the Babysitter's past and discovers the family she used to work for, dead in their bed, preserved under a plastic cover. Gross! And then Patty comes back, and the Babysitter drugs her or something, and then she tries to do it with Shatner, and he turns her down, so she clubs him with a vase or something and then goes after the homely girl, who hides in the basement. So the Babysitter gets a knife and is chasing the homely girl around and I was actually a little bit scared! And then Shatner comes to and subdues the Babysitter and Gramps shows up with the cops and she goes to jail. And it was awesome.

Starting Over

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the premiere of the second season of Starting Over, or as New Orleans Melissa calls it, "Old Lady Real World." This season, they are in Los Angeles, and they have brought in Oprah's buddy Iyanla Vanzant as a life coach. And that's awesome because she totally has taken over and last season's crazy-ass life coach, Rhonda, is relegated to the sidelines. And I predict it's a matter of weeks before Rhonda totally loses it. Also, there's one roommate, Deborah (pronounced De-BORE-ah) who is batshit crazy. She started out seeming like she was just outspoken and maybe a little rude. But now it turns out that she is pregnant (despite being premenopausal) and scheming to have a secret abortion, and also is trying to bully her fifteen-year-old daughter into doing something (arranging the abortion? Getting medical records?) through threats and intimidation. And next week, it looks like the shit will hit the fan when the rest of the house finds out what's going on. Did I mention that Deborah has threatened to leave the house twice already? In the first week? And that Iyanla had to clap her hands and yell, "Deborah!" to get her to shut up in their group meeting? And that she works out on the treadmill while wearing a fanny pack and dancing and singing to herself? And that she uses a fork to eat cotton candy from a bag? There's so much more that I could tell you, and I haven't even gotten into the other roommates. Check your local listings and find out when it's on in your area, and then watch it. Because it is awesome.

Childhood Sweetheart?

And now it's time for the triumphant return of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie on my beloved Lifetime Movie Network called Childhood Sweetheart?, and you know it's awesome because there is a punctuation mark in the title. Anyway, it starred Half Pint Ingalls (of course) as a woman who was kidnapped at the age of ten and presumed dead. So she shows back up as an adult and tries to reconcile with her boyfriend, like, who waits around fifteen years or whatever for their presumed dead ten-year-old girlfriend? Losers, that's who. Her mom is also psyched to see her, but her dad isn't buying it and starts investigating to make sure it's really her. I guess back then they didn't have Maury to do the DNA tests. So then Half Pint starts acting all fishy and steals money from her mother to get a passport, and as a viewer, you don't know if she's legit or not, but her story is that her kidnapper killed his daughter, so Half Pint killed her kidnapper and escaped. Five years ago. And no one (except the dad and the cops) cares what she was doing wandering around for five years. Anyway, as you might expect, the shit hits the fan and Half Pint's dad confronts her, and then suddenly her dad is dead and the viewer is supposed to wonder if she killed him, but I guess she didn't, although now that I think about it, they never really explained it. And then her boyfriend gets suspicious of her and finally has DNA testing done using a lock of hair he had from when Half Pint was a girl, and he also thinks to get the kidnapper's body exhumed, as well as that of the kidnapper's daughter, like, what is this, Days of Our Lives with all the exhumations? Well, it turns out that the body in the grave was the real Half Pint. So Fake Half Pint thinks that she's the kidnapper's daughter (apparently she has some memory loss and doesn't know, although the details were fuzzy) and she's all bummed out, but then she finds out that her DNA doesn't match the kidnapper's and so she's just another victim! And then she fights with her boyfriend, and stabs him, but then he forgives her even though she's totally not his childhood sweetheart and they decide to get married, even though they are complete strangers. And it was awesome.

Red Wind

And now it's time for the final Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week of the season. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called Red Wind starring Miss Lisa Hartman (before she married Clint Black). So anyway, Lisa plays a psychologist who is also an expert in sexuality and S&M relationships. Of course. There are a lot of hints in the beginning that the reason she's an expert is because she has been in such a relationship herself. Anyway, Lisa gets a new client -- a woman who is always shown in shadows -- who is being abused and sexually humiliated by her husband. So after they show shady woman for about one minute, I call my husband into the room and say, "That's a dude, right?" And he watches for five seconds and goes, "Yeah, obviously." So I spent the rest of the movie wondering how dumb Lisa was that she didn't know her client was a dude. So anyway, the client tells Lisa how she's going to kill her husband and put him in the wood chipper in her back yard. As you do. And the title is from when the woman described how she would turn her husband into a red wind. Ew. So then Lisa goes to the client's house, and there's blood all over the wood chipper. So instead of calling the cops, Lisa runs around and screams and messes up the evidence and then goes home. So the cops come sniffing around, and Lisa denies involvement. And then Lisa mysteriously has a new client -- a man -- who knows a lot about the wood chipper lady's life. Wow, I wonder how that guy knew so much? So Lisa falls into an abusive relationship with this guy, totally ditching her nice, normal boyfriend, played by Christopher "Shooter McGavin" McDonald. And then, there's supposed to be this big reveal where you find out that the male client and the female client are the same person, but anyone with eyes figured that out about ten minutes into the movie. And I haven't even mentioned the cigarette-smoking parking-lot attendant who helps the police and is the true star of the film. Which was awesome.

Blow Out/Cheap Seats

And now it's time for the first Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. Since I'm doing two this week, I thought I would use the first to mention a few awesome things I've seen on TV lately that you could watch now that you will have a half-hour hole in your schedule every week. The first awesome show that you should totally be watching is Blow Out on Bravo. It's supposed to be the story of what happened when celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin decided to open a second salon in Beverly Hills. In the first episode, they tried to set up a Puck-like hairdresser named Brandon as Jonathan's nemesis, in order to introduce some conflict to the situation, but then Jonathan fired Brandon, and not a moment too soon, because the true conflict lies in watching what a douchebag Jonathan is, and how horribly he treats his staff, and his general clueless tool behavior. Each week, people cringe when they deal with him, and he has no idea. He throws temper tantrums and hissyfits, and expects everyone on his staff to kiss his ass at all times, and as long as you don't have to work for him, it's awesome. The other show that you should be watching is Cheap Seats on ESPN Classic. ESPN? But I"m not a sports fan! Don't worry. This show basically features comedians the Sklar Brothers giving the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment to ludicrous faux-sporting events from the past, like roller derby. At times, the Sklars' pre-filmed bits go on a bit long -- they should really stick to showing silly footage and making fun of it. But each episode features at least two or three jokes that make me laugh out loud, because I can't resist a smart-ass snarking on bad television. It also makes me jealous that I don't have their jobs.

Days of Our Lives

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. In college, I used to watch Days of Our Lives because my roommate did, and I was in the room at the time, but then I was hooked. And when my husband and I first started dating in college, he would come over for lunch and watch the show with us. But then we both graduated and stopped watching. But I heard that James E. Reilly was returning as head writer, and he created the "Marlena is possessed" storyline, which was so ridiculously awesome that it frightened me, so I had to start watching again. Plus, the summer is always the best time to watch soaps because they focus on the teen storylines to attract the kids who are out of school. So right now, Marlena and a bunch of other boring people (like Roman and Abe) are presumed dead, but really they are on an island somewhere, and on the island is an exact replica of Salem. Which is genius, because they didn't have to build a whole new set -- they just stuck some palm trees in the regular set, which was awesome. And the other thing that my husband and I enjoy looking for is how any male will find any excuse to remove his shirt. Seriously, each day at least half of the male cast members are running around without their shirts on. Sometimes they just got out of the shower, or sometimes they are being held captive in a cage by an insane chick dressed as an old lady, but sometimes they just don't have shirts on for no apparent reason. But truly the most awesome thing happened on Friday. Bonnie opened this honkeytonk bar, and Rex and Philip (played by Kyle from the Chicago season of The Real World) were bartending. And suddenly this musical montage started where Rex and Philip went all Cocktail and started flipping bottles around, and people were line dancing, and the camera was zooming in on a neon sign, and then Belle and Philip were riding the mechanical bull together, and then there was more bottle flipping and everyone was cheering and I kept saying, "This is NOT happening." But it was, and it was awesome.

Unwed Father

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie called Unwed Father, starring Brian Austin Green, a.k.a. David Silver. So David Silver was in a band (naturally), and he hooked up with Sue Scanlon in a weird bit of 90210 crossover, and they totally did it, and then Sue Scanlon got knocked up. So Sue Scanlon tried to get David Silver involved, and he was like, "Whatever, it's probably not even mine." So Sue Scanlon and her best friend (Emma from Kate & Allie) went to the abortion clinic, but Sue Scanlon chickened out. Cut to ten months later: Sue Scanlon is trying to raise the baby alone and her mom is a total bitch about it, yelling at Sue because the baby cries, like Sue can help it. So Sue gets fed up and dumps the baby at David Silver's house. And he's rich and lives with his parents. So David Silver tries to dump the baby on Social Services, but they're like, "Hello, we have to help babies who don't have rich dads who are just too selfish to take care of their children." So David goes and gets a DNA test and his father hires a nanny while they are waiting for the results. So then David's stepmother gets sick of the kid crying and convinces David's father to kick David out of the house. So then David has to get a real job, and of course somewhere along the way, he learns to love the baby, and this is exemplified by the time he is carrying the baby and his guitar and amp to his houseboat, and he trips and saves the baby and lets the guitar fall into the water. See how caring he is? So then Sue Scanlon comes back and wants the baby back, but David Silver is like, "No, I love him now!" And then the movie goes on way longer than it needs to, because of course they work out a custody agreement and live happily ever after. And it was awesome.

Why My Daughter?

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Why My Daughter?. It's about the girl named Diana, played by Jamie Luner, and her parents get divorced. So, of course, she falls prey to an unscrupulous character played by Jagger from General Hospital who convinces her to run away from home and become a stripper. Of course. So don't get divorced, parents, or your daughter will become a stripper! But it gets worse. Her mom decides to go looking for Diana, and she walks into the strip club at the exact moment that Diana is on stage! What a coincidence! So then Diana makes the natural progression and becomes a whore, and the first time she has a trick, guess what she does? Celebrates with a steak dinner? Spends the money on diamonds and furs? No! She takes a shower and sobs because she can't wash away her shame! Come on. Are you new? So after a while, Diana can't take the whoring anymore, so she goes home with her mom, but can you guess what happens next? That's right. Diana meets back up with Jagger and goes back into prostitution, and they run away to San Diego. So Diana's mom goes looking for her, and in Jagger's old apartment, she finds a newspaper, with an article about San Diego circled! How helpful of Jagger to leave Diana's mom a clue like that! So then Diana turns up dead, and the rest of the movie involves Diana's mom trying to prove that Jagger murdered Diana, which she does, with the help of a detective played by Jim Walsh from 90210. But really, once the whore part is over, the movie is pretty boring. But the whoring and the stripping were awesome.

10.5

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was NBC's two-night miniseries 10.5. I can only hope that you watched it too, because it was hilarious! As you can probably figure out from the title, the idea is that there's a giant earthquake that changes the geography of the west coast of the United States. Luckily, it doesn't affect Canada or Mexico at all! In the beginning, when they were introducing each character, the writers were very fond of the "make you think this is a regular person who will turn out to be very important" scheme. Like there were two guys playing basketball, and then a guy walks up and calls one of them "Mr. President"! He's the president! You thought it was just a guy playing basketball! And the other guy was the head of FEMA! And then there is a surgeon. But he's not just a surgeon. He's a cowboy. A maverick. He doesn't play by the rules. And he's the head of FEMA's son! And then there was a divorced dad (Bo Duke!) picking up his daughter while his ex-wife looks on. But she's no ordinary ex-wife. She's the governor of California! Genius. And then Kim Delaney played the earthquake expert with the wacky theory that no one believed, but of course she turned out to be totally right. And I kept hoping that as things got worse, she would go, "Man, I need a drink." No such luck. And, hey, if the entire west coast is in trouble due to massive earthquakes, is it a good idea to base your emergency earthquake tracking center, including the one person who can predict what will happen next, in California? Shouldn't they be in an underground bunker somewhere? The special effects were really bad. The acting was cheesy. It would take me about fifty pages to go through all of the awesome parts, so I'll just leave you with this one: the head of FEMA, who was kind of an asshole, had a moment of clarity and decided to go into a hole and place a nuclear warhead closer to the fault line and save the world. Don't ask. But while he's in the hole, there's another earthquake and the nuclear warhead pins him in the hole. So he gets on the radio with the President, who gives him a giant pep talk, and at the last possible minute, the FEMA guy arms the warhead! Victory! But then there's a giant earthquake anyway and thousands of people die, but you don't actually see any destruction from this giant earthquake. Instead, you just see people running around in the desert while the camera shakes. And then the earth stops crumbling about two feet away from Kim Delaney. And none of the major characters (except FEMA guy) dies. If they ever replay it, or if it comes out on DVD, I can't recommend it highly enough. You will laugh and laugh. What? It wasn't supposed to be a comedy. Well, it was anyway. Which is awesome.

Those Secrets

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Those Secrets which starred Blair Brown as a whore. Well, in the beginning of the movie, you didn't know she was a whore, unless you read the description in the cable guide. So she meets this sports agent who is really creepy and gets married to him and she already has two kids which is never really explained and then it's their two-year anniversary and then they are building a house together and all of this happens in, like, the first five minutes of the movie and you're like, "The hell?" So then her husband cheats on her and tells her and instead of kicking him in the balls like a normal person, Blair Brown's reaction is, "Why did you tell me?" So then her old friend, played by Mare Winningham, comes to visit while her husband is out of town, and Mare Winningham is a former whore trying to go straight. So then Blair Brown -- who had been working as a book jacket designer -- decides to get back into the whore business, and she starts having creepy sex with former clients, including her husband's best friend (that's how she met her husband) and some guy who makes her dress up like a geisha and this old couple who wants her to tie up the husband and they are seriously like eighty-five years old and I was worried someone would have a heart attack but luckily even Blair Brown got grossed out and ran out of the room. So meanwhile, her daughters are figuring out that something is up, and one of Blair's clients beats the crap out of her and she goes home and her husband is there and she admits that she's a whore and he thinks it's just a figure of speech and she has to explain that she has sex for money and he leaves her. So then Mare Winningham goes back to whoring as well and ends up killing herself which scares Blair Brown into going straight and getting into therapy and she ends up getting back together with her creepy husband and did I mention that everyone in the movie acted like they were on Valium with their lack of affect? And my husband walked in and said, "This is like that Eddie Izzard routine with Sebastien and the matches" and he was totally right, and it was awesome.

Her Last Chance

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Her Last Chance, and it starred Becca Thatcher, and Patti LuPone played her mom, like way to go out on a casting limb there, producers, and is Corky going to play her brother? Which might have made the movie even more awesome. So anyway, Becca is a total druggie and alcoholic with her boyfriend, and they take acid and manage to run up a million flights of stairs and then stand on the roof of a building, but no one actually gets hurt, but then Becca gets busted and is forced to go to rehab, and her rehab counselor is Dharma from Dharma and Greg! And Jenna Elfman is the worst actress in the world. So the best part of the movie is watching Jenna Elfman try to practice tough love on the druggies, and Becca is all, "I'm not an addict" but she totally is. So she plays the game and gets out but her friends (including one Sharon Cherski) don't understand, and soon enough Becca has a relapse and goes back to rehab, but she's all into it this time. So when Becca gets out, she tries to break up with her boyfriend, who has been slutting it up with Sharon Cherski while Becca was gone, and her boyfriend hits her and then sits on a ledge somewhere, and after Becca leaves, you think that he falls off the ledge because he's all drugged up and he dies. So Becca is practically in jail, since she's the last person who saw him alive, but then at the very end, Sharon Cherski comes forward and admits that she killed the guy, because she was jealous, and there is a lot of crying, and I guess Sharon Cherski went to jail, although who really cares? Because it was awesome.

Nightscream/Real World Road Rules Challenge

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. At first, I was going to tell you about this movie I watched called Nightscream, which seemed like it had a lot of potential because it was on Lifetime Movie Network, and it starred Candace Cameron Bure and Teri Garr, and it was supposed to be about a woman (CCB) who is possessed by the ghost of a murder victim. Sounds pretty awesome, right? But I started watching it and about halfway through I realized that I had no fucking clue what in the hell was going on. And not in a "Oh, this movie has a lot of twists and turns and I wonder what will happen next" kind of way. More in a "Were the writers on crack when they came up with this shit?" kind of way. First of all, they expected the viewers to just accept that CCB was possessed, like that happens every day in the normal course of things, and it was never explained, and no one was like, "Possessed by a ghost? That's crazy talk!" And then CCB's character was an identical twin (in terms of looks alone) to the dead girl, to the point where CCB played both roles, which is just a little bit unbelievable. And there were dream sequences in which CCB wore a white nightgown for no apparent reason other than that she was supposed to be a ghost. I don't know. So I stopped watching it. So The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week was when Julie lost in the Inferno and had to leave, because I spent the last three weeks screaming at the television, "I hate you, Julie!" and "Fuck off, Julie!" and shit like that, and I think my neighbors were about to call the cops. So Julie and her annoying big-toothed self can just fuck right off. Which is awesome.

Little House: "May We Make Them Proud"

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Mary's baby dies. I know that sounds like a really sad episode, but given the show's ridiculous acting and musical cues, it was actually pretty awesome. See, Mary and Adam are having a fundraising picnic at the Blind School, and Albert and some other kid never seen again steal into the basement to try smoking a pipe, which they both totally inhale like it's a bong or something, but then Hester Sue totally busts them, so they run out and toss the lit pipe into a pile of oily rags on some sort of time-release mechanism, apparently. About fourteen hours later, Alice Garvey is helping Hester Sue clean up, and they decide to have some tea with Adam and Mary, but Adam smells smoke. Hester Sue goes to investigate and opens the basement door and flames are just flying out of there! Fourteen hours later! So they go to rescue all the blind kids and Mary runs out of the bedroom and just leaves her baby behind, like, what mother would do that, anyway? So Alice promises to get the baby, and she grabs it and it's so obviously a doll, the way that she's manhandling this alleged newborn, but then Alice has to go back to rescue some blind kid who's stuck in the bathroom and she ends up getting trapped in the fire and she totally uses the baby to break open the window, but it doesn't help and she and the baby die. Thankfully, Mary didn't have to watch the baby die, because she's blind.

Average Joe/The Apprentice

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. There was actually a tie for first place. The first one was during Average Joe: Adam Returns, and I realize that I am the only person watching that show. Anyway, Adam was on a golf date with some girl, and one of the former contestants from his season secretly pushed their golf cart into a pond. Not that awesome, but Adam's reaction was hilarious. He hopped about on one foot, and then dropped to the ground like there was incoming artillery fire. I rewound that about five times. The second most awesome thing was the painting of young Donald Trump hanging on the wall of Mar-a-Lago that appeared in this week's episode of The Apprentice. In case you didn't see it, it was an oil painting of the Trumpster, standing at attention like a young prince, looking better than Donald Trump has ever looked in his life. He looked like a Ken doll. Behind him was a beautiful sunset, and sunbeams were breaking through the clouds as if God himself approved of the grandeur of Trump. I paused the tape, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And then we cried. And then we laughed some more. And it was awesome.

The Brady Bunch: "My Fair Opponent"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of The Brady Bunch where the kids at Marcia's school nominate a dumpy plain girl named Molly to be some hostess of some banquet, like, were schools in the 1970s really that boring or did the show just make things like that up? Who has elections for a hostess for some banquet? It was probably just an opportunity for everyone to talk about how great Marcia is anyway. So Marcia decides to help Molly out with a makeover, and instead of telling Marcia to fuck off, Molly goes for it. So Marcia does Molly's hair and makeup and makes her walk around with a book on her head, like, did that ever help anyone ever? So Molly is now apparently a knockout, although given the fashions on that show, it's hard to tell. But Greg and Peter practically pop boners when Molly walks in wearing a knitted sweater vest with an American flag on it, a micromini straight out of Marcia's closet, and knee socks. And of course, she got rid of her glasses. In the early 1970s, this meant that she was a hottie. So then, of course, through some convoluted circumstances, Marcia has to run against Molly for the hostess gig, and feels a little bad, but not bad enough to decline the nomination. But then Molly turns into a total bitch, which is kind of awesome, and I missed the ending, but I can guess that Molly didn't win and had some sort of comeuppance and had to admit that the Brady way is the best way. Which always happens, so it's awesome.

Little House: "Back to School"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Laura falls in love with Almanzo. It starts out with Nellie graduating from school because she took her exams early (this is important later), and then her parents buy her a restaurant to try to make her more attractive for a husband, which proves that even Nellie's parents know that Nellie is a stone cold bitch. Anyway, Laura meets the new teacher's brother, Almanzo, and thinks he's so dreamy that when he says that she can call him by his nickname, Manny, she accidentally calls him Manly. Hee! Although it's weird that he claimed his nickname was Manny since not one person on the show (except Laura) ever calls him anything but Almanzo. But then Harriet Olson gets wind of a new bachelor in town and tries to set him up with Nellie for a dinner date. The only problem is that Nellie can't cook. So Laura volunteers to cook the dinner secretly, and Almanzo says he wants cinnamon chicken, which sounds totally disgusting if you ask me, and Laura substitutes cayenne pepper for the cinnamon, with predictably slapstick results for Nellie and Almanzo's date. But Almanzo wasn't into Nellie anyway, so it all worked out for everyone but Nellie. And Harriet.

Then Ma and Pa make Laura apologize to Nellie, and Harriet gasps and tsks and it's pretty awesome, but Laura runs away when they try to get her to apologize to Almanzo. So Pa has a heart-to-heart with Laura and tells her that she's not an adult yet, but that she will be when she becomes a teacher.

Laura, as usual, takes this totally literally and decides that she needs to graduate and become a teacher immediately. So she borrows Nellie's books to study, and Nellie tells Laura that there wasn't any history on the exam when she took it. So then Laura studies everything but history and on the day of the exam, Almanzo wishes her luck with a kiss on the forehead. Nellie sees this and tells Almanzo that she's going to bring him some cookies at his house later that day. So Laura takes the test -- which of course has a ton of history questions on it -- and runs out crying. As she's sitting in the woods having a good cry, she spots Nellie walking back from her cookie delivery to Almanzo. So Nellie totally rubs it in that she was at Almanzo's house, and Laura confonts Nellie about the history lie, and Nellie smarms it up, and Laura grabs Nellie and tosses her into a nearby pond. So then they start wrestling in the mud! And it was so awesome! And just to make it better, Almanzo picks that moment to drive by and breaks up the fight and Nellie says that Laura will be sorry, and Almanzo takes Laura to his house to get cleaned up, which prompts an excellent slow burn which leads up to a full-fledged temper tantrum from Nellie complete with flailing about in the mud. And the music in the background was a zany version of "Wait 'Til The Sun Shines, Nellie" so props to the music department. So then Harriet shows Ma and Pa how muddy Nellie is and they totally laugh, so Nellie says that Laura attacked her because Nellie saw Laura and Almanzo kissing. So Pa gets all pissed off and takes off to Almanzo's house with Jonathan Garvey. So Pa knocks on the door and starts punching Almanzo. Laura explains what happened, and Almanzo says that Laura's just a little girl. So Pa and Laura both feel like crap. Pa apologizes to Almanzo, and Laura yells that she's a woman, and then runs out and slams the door, because that's an adult thing to do. Which Ma points out, and tells Laura to start acting like a woman if she wants Almanzo to notice her. So then Pa and Laura make up and go fishing, and Laura voice-overs that she knew someday she would be Laura Ingalls Wilder, although frankly, the way Almanzo was portrayed in the show, I'm not sure why Laura thought he was such a good catch, but then again her alternatives were, like, Willie Olson or Albert, I guess. But the whole thing was awesome.

Mishmash

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I actually have a few smaller moments that were awesome, so I've been saving them up for a while. The first is when Nick Lachey appeared as Tom Jones on American Dreams. I mean, Tom Jones is pretty cheesy anyway, but Nick Lachey was horrible! And the tight pants! And the bad Brillo wig! And then they gave him lines to speak and his Welsh accent sounded sort of like David Boreanaz trying to do an Irish accent, but worse. It was so awesome. The second awesome moment was when Jon Stewart said, "Those fuckers!" on The Daily Show and they didn't bleep it out. Mostly just because no one even noticed or commented on it in the media, and the world as we know it didn't end because someone dropped the F-bomb on basic cable. And the third was the ending of Average Joe: Hawaii where Larissa chose boring, bland Gil over interesting and reminiscent-of-David-from-Real World Seattle Brian. But that's not the awesome part. The awesome part came when Larissa confessed that she had a deep, dark secret. And it turned out that the secret was...that she dated Fabio. What? How random. But that's not even the awesome part. The awesome part came when Gil freaked out about it and was like, running around and kicking sand. Was he upset because Fabio is so manly and he could never measure up? Was he upset because Fabio is a cheeseball and he couldn't date someone who could go out with him? And did he have a leg to stand on, as someone who appeared on Average Joe: Hawaii? Who knows? But it was completely unexpected, and bizarre, and it was awesome.

A Face to Kill For

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called A Face to Kill For starring Miss Crystal Bernard and Mr. Doug "Matt on Melrose Place" Savant. Crystal Bernard was the daughter of a horse rancher, and she was in a car accident as a teen, which left her disfigured, and also apparently unable to say the word "Daddy," because she kept pronouncing it "Diddy" and then I kept picturing her father being played by P. Diddy and it cracked me up. Anyway, Crystal was married to Matt from Melrose Place, except he was straight, and he was actually pretty good in the role, which just makes it sadder that he was never given a plot line on Melrose Place. So Matt is just married to Crystal in the hopes that he will inherit the horse ranch, and then he dopes up the horses and frames Crystal and Diddy for it. So Crystal goes to jail and Matt tampers with Diddy's car so that he dies in an accident and Matt takes over the ranch, and then he tricks Crystal into signing divorce papers while she's in jail. So then Crystal meets a sassy black lady in prison who teaches her self-esteem and then Crystal gets beat up in a fight and the doctor somehow does some experimental surgery that gets rid of the scar. Cut to Crystal post-Extreme Makeover, and she's taken on a new identity, and she's going to stick it to evil Matt. So she makes a bunch of money through investments, which she learned in prison of course, and she tries to buy back Diddy's horse farm, but Matt isn't having it, so she resorts to trickery and chicanery and exposes Matt for the sleaze that he is and he goes to jail, and Crystal ends up looking hot and hooking back up with her high-school boyfriend, who wasn't all that cute, but they seemed happy together. Which is awesome.

Mommie Dearest

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I watched one of my favorite movies. When did I decide that Mommie Dearest might be the most awesome movie ever made? Was it during the opening scene when Joan Crawford plunges her face into a bowl of ice? Was it in the aftermath of the infamous "wire hanger" scene when Joan forces little Christina to scrub the bathroom floor in the middle of the night? Was it right after that, when Christina's brother Christopher offers to help her clean up and she tells him to strap himself back into bed? Was it the strangely titillating scene when Christina makes out with a boy in a stable? Was it when Christina yells, "Because I am NOT one of your FANS!" and then Joan tries to strangle her and the magazine reporter discovers them? Was it when I was wondering what exactly was the deal between Joan and her assistant, Carol Ann, who totally had battered-wife syndrome? Was it when Joan told the Pepsi Board of Directors, "Don't fuck with me, fellas! It's not my first time at the rodeo," which I am totally making into my new catchphrase? Although all of those moments (and more) were awesome, I think I realized it in the closing moments of the film, after Joan Crawford has died, and Christina and Christopher gather for the reading of her will. Joan leaves her two children nothing, and says that they know why she did it. Grown-up Christopher (played by a really young Xander Berkeley!) chuckles ruefully and says that Joan always has the last word. And Christina turns to the camera and dramatically says, "Does she? [twenty minute pause] Does she?" Because then Christina went on to write the tell-all book upon which the film was based. And it was awesome.

Cover Story

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Cover Story. It starred Elizabeth "Jessie Spano" Berkley as a magazine editor. Go ahead and laugh. I did. Anyway, Jessie Spano is the editor of some magazine that I guess was supposed to be like Vanity Fair, in that it covered celebrities and scandal, but wasn't a tabloid. Their newsstands sales were down, so they needed a big cover story -- hencethe title of the movie. I also learned what a magazine editor does. She circles some things with a red marker, and then crosses out others. She stands in front of a bunch of cover mock-ups and talks to her staff. And she wears really slutty clothes, but offsets the skank factor by wearing glasses. All of this is done in a montage fashion. Anyway, the actual plot was confusing, but it involved an anonymous informant sending journal pages to the magazine that implicated some sort of crime and a love affair or something. And Jessie Spano figured out that it involved Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestley and his brother, who were financing a new dam with their mob connections. Like, who pitched this movie, and then got to that part of the plot, without making anyone laugh? A dam? Financed by the mob? And this is the heart of the movie? So Jessie wants an interview with Brandon, but he's a recluse, so she works on his brother. And she goes back to Brandon and his brother's house (they live together?), and the brother starts hitting on her, and Jessie flirts back, and then he tells her that they are going to make love together, and instead of bursting out laughing, she gets pissed off and clocks him with a statue of Don Quixote (could I make that up?), and he ends up dead. So in most movies, the trial would be the rest of the film, but this one went on and on and it was totally unclear why Jessie would be acquitted of the murder charges, and why she would then start an affair with Brandon, and why her gay sidekick kept letting you know he was gay in every scene by talking about how he doesn't like women and he loves fashion. And then somehow Costas Mandylor got involved, and he was a cop and also Jessie's ex-boyfriend. And then just about everyone died, including Brandon Walsh, and Jessie quit the magazine and her sidekick got the editor position, and Jessie and Costas Mandylor ran off together and lived happily ever after. And I'm still not quite sure how we got from point A to point B, but it was awesome.

Death of a Cheerleader

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week may have been Randy's scribble taped to his chest, but that doesn't really count. I also rewatched one of the classic Lifetime movies, called Death Of A Cheerleader. (It's also been aired under the title A Friend To Die For.) Anyway, Becca Thatcher plays a goody two-shoes who transfers from Catholic school to public school and has trouble fitting in. She idolizes the popular girls, and the most popular of them all is Tori Spelling, of course. So Becca decides to become popular by doing activities. She joins the Larks, which is a service organization for the popular girls. She hopes to become yearbook editor, but she doesn't get it, even though she's the best writer in the sophomore class. She hopes to become a cheerleader, even though she's not very athletic. Through it all, she wants to become best friends with Tori Spelling, even though Tori is a huge bitch. When Becca gets cut from the cheerleaders, she has a nervous breakdown, which she portrays by widening her eyes and playing with her hair more than usual. Becca's sister tries to console her while they are driving in the car, and her sister is totally eating a cucumber with a knife while driving, and she offers some to Becca by poking the knife into Becca's face, like, first of all, who eats a cucumber plain, and second of all, who slices a cucumber while driving, and third of all, her sister then totally leaves the knife in the car, like what if someone sits on it or something? So then Becca gets the idea to take Tori to a party that she heard about. So Becca tells her parents that she's babysitting and somehow convinces her mom (Valerie Harper) to drive her over and then leave the car, even though Becca doesn't have a license, so that it will look like someone's home while she's babysitting. So Valerie Harper has to walk home in these unsafe conditions. So then Becca drives over to Tori's house, but Tori thinks the whole thing is horseshit and wants to stop and smoke a joint, except she calls it "grass" which was unintentionally hilarious. So then Tori decides to bail on the whole thing, and goes to a nearby house and asks for a ride home, and the dad gives her one, and Becca follows, and before Tori gets into her house, Becca runs up and stabs her, like, twenty times, and then runs away. And the guy giving the ride sort of saw what happened and didn't even stop and help Tori, or chase after Becca, which was weird. So then the cops are trying to figure out who did it, and they don't know, and Becca's alibi is that she was babysitting, which the cops never even bother to check out, even though Becca fits the killer's description and drives the car that was seen leaving the murder scene. So then it's, like, ten months later and Becca feels guilty and ends up confessing and going to trial, and the trial part is really long, for no reason, because whether she's guilty of first or second degree, the punishment is the same since she's a minor. And there's this whole ridiculous trial with no jury or anything and then the judge lectures the community on being more tolerant of poor people and then Becca goes to juvenile detention. And it was awesome.

Little House: "Here Come the Brides"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that the forum posters tipped me off about. A widower and his son move to Walnut Grove. Nellie Oleson totally gets the hots for the son, Luke, even though he's a big hick who wears overalls and no shoes, and even though she's usually a total bitch. Nellie invites Luke to dinner, and Harriet is all psyched when Nellie says that Luke's dad own a huge farm, but then Luke shows up and they play hayseed-type music and he doesn't wear shoes and he eats the entire hunk of meat instead of taking one slice and Harriet forbids Nellie from seeing Luke again. So Harriet enlists Miss Beadle to tell Luke's dad, Adam, to stop the relationship, and Miss Beadle is all over that since she thinks Adam is a hottie, and she goes out to his farm, and they totally fall in love, and the most awesome part is that their names are Adam and Eva. So the next day after school, Luke and Mary Ingalls go to the mercantile to buy a ring, and Nels and Harriet totally think that Luke has thrown Nellie over for Mary (and who wouldn't, because Mary was kind of hot and Nellie was a bitch). But it turns out Luke just wanted Mary to pick out a ring for Nellie.

So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times. So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs. So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.

Prison of Secrets

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was probably Frankie running down the pier with a towel over her head because she's scared of big boats. But since that doesn't really qualify, I guess I'll tell you all about this Lifetime Movie Network movie I watched called Prison of Secrets. Awesome title. Anyway, it starred Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as a wife and mother who, in an effort to save her boss some money, created her own consulting company and billed the company for the consulting work while she was still working there. And then when the cops came to arrest her, she didn't understand why that might be a conflict of interest. Although her boss must have really hated her to have her arrested instead of, you know, talking to her about it or just firing her. So her lawyer urges her to accept a plea bargain, but she still thinks she's done nothing wrong, so she wants to go to trial, like, what part of "conflict of interest" does she not get? So she's totally convicted of "conflict of interest," which I didn't know was a crime punishable by imprisonment, but whatever. So when she gets to prison, she quickly learns that the prison guard, Kevin Arnold's dad, forces the female inmates to have sex. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist wants to expose this practice, and she tells her husband on visiting day, and he's basically like, "As long as they're not bothering you, stay out of it," like, nice attitude, husband. But then the husband sees Mr. Arnold totally feel up Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist while he's supposed to be frisking her, and he gets pissed. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist gets her lawyer to file a lawsuit against the prison, but they need signed affadavits from the victims, and no one wants to do it. And then there's this one awesome scene where Rusty needs a sanitary napkin and the guard won't give it to her and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist busts into the supply room and starts throwing supplies up into the air, giving new meaning to Always with Wings. So then the other prisoners like her, because she took care of their menstrual needs, and her husband is also using his radio show to publicize what's going on in the prison. So then the victims write up their statements and smuggle them out of the prison with the help of a sympathetic female guard, and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist is freed, which doesn't really make sense, because it's not like she was innocent of the crime for which she was convicted. But it was awesome.

The Warriors

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week wasn't actually on television. Well, it was on my television, but it was a movie I rented called The Warriors. And oh, man, was it awesome. See, it takes place in New York City in the 1970s and all the rival gangs come together for a big meeting. The best part is all the different gangs and their themes. There's one gang that dresses up like mimes. I shit you not. There's another gang that dresses in baseball uniforms and paints their faces like KISS. Another gang is on roller skates and wears overalls. And there's a girl gang called "The Lizzies" because "The Lezzies" was probably too risqué. I guess there's sort of a plot, but it doesn't really matter, because the best part of the movie is just seeing all the different gangs. So Wing Chun and I started making up our own themed gangs. Like what if there was a gang that wore old-timey clothes and rode around on pennyfarthings? Or a gang of nuns wielding rulers? Or what about a gang of stereotypical French men who wore striped shirts, had handlebar moustaches, and used baguettes as a weapon? I knew we should have written them down, because we came up with a lot more, and they were awesome. Wing, do you remember any? ["Rodeo clowns. A girl gang that dresses up like sexy nurses and kills people with needles. And, of course, The Founding Fathers, the awesomest one of all, and Kim's creation. Dude, I can't believe you forgot that one!" -- Wing Chun]