Who is Julia?

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Who is Julia? on the Lifetime Movie Network. Mare Winningham played a poor woman who was just trying to take her really ugly son to see Santa Claus. And then there was Julia, this blonde woman who was like a model and married to one of the Hardy Boys, but what she really wanted was to have a baby. So Julia's at a stoplight and she sees Mare and Mare's ugly kid standing on the street corner and she's all googly over the kid, which was ridiculous because the kid was like Mini-Jack Osbourne. And then the kid starts to run out into the street because he's not only ugly but also dumb, and there's a cement truck coming and Julia hops out of her car to save the ugly kid and she gets flattened by the cement truck. And at the exact same moment Mare Winningham has, like, a brain attack and collapses. So both women are taken into the hospital and of course, the surgeons decide they're going to transplant Julia's brain into Mare Winningham's body. And Mare's poor dumb husband agrees to it because Mare is brain-dead and the surgeons are pressuring him. So then Mare/Julia is in a coma for like a year or something and finally she wakes up and she's freaked out because, you know, she has a whole new body and she looks like white-trash Mare Winningham. But with her doctor's help, she starts to get better, and then there's this really creepy subplot where she's kind of in love with her doctor and he's really inappropriately touchy with her and the Hardy Boy Husband complains and the doctor says it's all Mare/Julia's fault when he was all touching her face and shit. So then Mare/Julia and Hardy Boy Husband aren't getting along so well, so Mare/Julia runs away and ends up getting kidnapped by Mare's poor dumb husband and taken to see the ugly kid and then the poor dumb husband tries to rape her, and then Mare/Julia is all understanding about it. So then Mare/Julia goes back to her Hardy Boy Husband and then the movie just kind of ends. So the ending wasn't that awesome, but all of the medical scenes were awesome because the hospital set was about as big as my living room and Joe Don Baker was one of the doctors and the "science" behind the brain transplant made no sense at all. But after seeing a movie like that you kind of understand why Mare Winningham has fallen off the face of the earth.

The Edge of Innocence

So now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie on (what else?) the Lifetime Movie Network called The Edge of Innocence starring Kellie "Becca Thatcher" Martin and James "Cyclops" Marsden.First of all, I loved this movie because every time I saw it on my list of recorded shows on my Tivo (or Ti-faux, because it's not actually a Tivo), I started singing, "I've been living on the edge of a broken heart! I don't wanna cry!" which is a song from the '80s by some chick rock band that I had all but forgotten. But anyway. In this movie, Becca was totally crazy and manic-depressive, except not really depressive but just manic, and really only manic in that she talked really fast and didn't wait for people to answer one question before she asked another. So she ran away from home and went to a carnival and rode the roller coaster because do you get it that the ups and downs of the roller coaster were like the ups and downs of her moods? So then she went on the Ferris Wheel and started hallucinating and climbed out of the car and then almost fell, so her mom sent her to the loony bin. And she met an anorexic girl named Ally, like this must be the general loony bin, because don't anorexics usually get put in a special eating disorder clinic? Or have my Lifetime movies led me astray? And there were other crazy kids there including Jamie Kennedy, who was gay, and Joshua Jackson, who had an imaginary friend, which was hilarious. But I don't think it was supposed to be. So Becca meets Cyclops, who isn't really crazy, but just bad and went to the loony bin to avoid juvie. So they fall in love and do it and then the authorities say that they can't be together until they leave the loony bin, and then they are both supposed to be released on the same day, like, what are the chances, and Cyclops gets into a fight with his hypocritical dad and doesn't get to leave. So then Cyclops pulls a knife and a bunch of the kids bust out together but two of them accidentally shoot a security guard so they go back and then Ally Anorexic gets caught when they are all running away, so she goes back. So Becca and Cyclops decide to go to Mexico, but Becca is now, like, ten days off her meds so she starts to get all crazy again, like, this movie wasn't that good when it was called Mad Love, so why make it again? So then I honestly don't remember how it ended but I think Becca threatened to kill herself again on the Ferris Wheel and Cyclops saved her and realized how sick she was, so he made her go back to the loony bin and promised to wait. Or possibly one of them died. I think I fell asleep after Josh Jackson wasn't on anymore. But the first hour was awesome. And another awesome thing you should watch is Made on MTV, because a new season just started and it is a great show.

90210/Endurance

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. It's actually a tie. The first most awesome thing was the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where Kelly takes in Tara, the crazy psycho. So Tara becomes obsessed with Kelly, and the writers basically rip off Single White Female right down to the matching haircuts, boyfriend-stealing, and pet-killing, although in Kelly's case, Tara killed her goldfish, like, who cares about their goldfish that much? Anyway, Kelly tells Tara to move out, and the actress playing Tara (who also played stupid she-wolf Veruca on Buffy) looks so much like Cheri Oteri that I kept expecting the whole storyline to be a skit on SNL. So Tara pulls a gun and forces Kelly to drive to some cliff, where they were going to kill themselves via carbon monoxide poisoning. I think was the same cliff that Val threatened to jump from at one point, so they should just go ahead and name it Suicide Leap or whatever. So Kelly pretends like she really wants to die so that Tara unties her, and then Kelly grabs the gun and rolls out of the car, and then Tara goes to the nuthouse and is never, ever mentioned again like every other storyline on 90210 that was quickly forgotten, even though for most people it would be the most dramatic and unforgettable moment in their lives. But when shit like that happens every day, I guess it's not as memorable. And the second most awesome thing was this show that has been on for a few years on Saturday mornings called Endurance. It's basically a teenage version of Survivor, but better, because in addition to all of the inherent drama of the competition and the voting off and stuff, you have the inherent drama of junior high school with the crushes and the cattiness. And there is this one girl who is the most popular and everyone loves her, and she totally knows it and lords it over the others. So of course her name is Ashley. And she has a henchman in the second most popular girl. Whose name is, of course, Sabrina. And in the episode I saw, they were going to vote off the sort of awkward frizzy-haired girl. So Frizzy begged not to go, and on this show, two teams are marked for elimination and then they compete to stay by playing a hilarious version of Rock Paper Scissors. So Frizzy's team ended up winning and staying, and then Frizzy was all hugging the other girls when she got back to camp, like, those bitches tried to get rid of you and now you are hugging them? So it serves the dual purpose of being really juicy and backstabby as well as reminding me how fucking glad I am that I'm not thirteen years old anymore. Plus they have super-complicated names for everything like (I'm making these up) the Tree of Survival and the Temple of Backstabbing Bitches and stuff. It's awesome.

The Killing Secret

And now it's time for the Return of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie on (where else?) Lifetime Movie Network called The Killing Secret. It starred Emma from Kate & Allie as a cheerleader with a quarterback boyfriend. I don't really remember the boyfriend's name, so I'm just going to call him Todd, because he was such a Todd. Anyway, Todd was (unbeknownst to Emma) having an affair with Punky Brewster, who was from the wrong side of the tracks and had to sew her own clothes with special fancy buttons that she found on discount at the thrift store. So I guess because Punky was poor, Todd knocked her up, and she said she wanted to keep the baby, but Todd was all rich and shit, so he wasn't having it, so he killed her at this warehouse owned by his rich dad and dumped her body in the lake. As you do. So Punky is reported as missing and Emma joins this stupid search party for her in the woods at, like, midnight! Why wouldn't they search during the day? I don't know. So then for really contrived reasons, Emma befriended Punky's mom, and then all of Emma's friends were pissed because she was friends with a middle-aged poor woman, I guess. And then Punky's body washes ashore during a beach graduation party attended by Emma and Todd and all of their rich friends. So Todd is the main suspect but the cops can't really arrest him because while they know he was doing it with Punky, and that she was pregnant when she died, they don't have any other physical evidence. And then some crazy street guy gets arrested for the crime and everything settles down. But then Emma sees a picture of Punky wearing a shirt with fancy buttons on it and she remembers that she found a fancy button on the floor of Todd's dad's warehouse one time right after Punky went missing, so she goes to the cops, but they won't listen to her. So she decides that she needs to go to the warehouse and C.S.I. the place herself, so of course Todd shows up and tries to kill her, but then Punky's mom shows up with the cops and saves Emma and Todd gets arrested. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Todd's dad was J. Peterman from Seinfeld, which only added to the awesome-osity.