Those Secrets

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Those Secrets which starred Blair Brown as a whore. Well, in the beginning of the movie, you didn't know she was a whore, unless you read the description in the cable guide. So she meets this sports agent who is really creepy and gets married to him and she already has two kids which is never really explained and then it's their two-year anniversary and then they are building a house together and all of this happens in, like, the first five minutes of the movie and you're like, "The hell?" So then her husband cheats on her and tells her and instead of kicking him in the balls like a normal person, Blair Brown's reaction is, "Why did you tell me?" So then her old friend, played by Mare Winningham, comes to visit while her husband is out of town, and Mare Winningham is a former whore trying to go straight. So then Blair Brown -- who had been working as a book jacket designer -- decides to get back into the whore business, and she starts having creepy sex with former clients, including her husband's best friend (that's how she met her husband) and some guy who makes her dress up like a geisha and this old couple who wants her to tie up the husband and they are seriously like eighty-five years old and I was worried someone would have a heart attack but luckily even Blair Brown got grossed out and ran out of the room. So meanwhile, her daughters are figuring out that something is up, and one of Blair's clients beats the crap out of her and she goes home and her husband is there and she admits that she's a whore and he thinks it's just a figure of speech and she has to explain that she has sex for money and he leaves her. So then Mare Winningham goes back to whoring as well and ends up killing herself which scares Blair Brown into going straight and getting into therapy and she ends up getting back together with her creepy husband and did I mention that everyone in the movie acted like they were on Valium with their lack of affect? And my husband walked in and said, "This is like that Eddie Izzard routine with Sebastien and the matches" and he was totally right, and it was awesome.

Her Last Chance

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Her Last Chance, and it starred Becca Thatcher, and Patti LuPone played her mom, like way to go out on a casting limb there, producers, and is Corky going to play her brother? Which might have made the movie even more awesome. So anyway, Becca is a total druggie and alcoholic with her boyfriend, and they take acid and manage to run up a million flights of stairs and then stand on the roof of a building, but no one actually gets hurt, but then Becca gets busted and is forced to go to rehab, and her rehab counselor is Dharma from Dharma and Greg! And Jenna Elfman is the worst actress in the world. So the best part of the movie is watching Jenna Elfman try to practice tough love on the druggies, and Becca is all, "I'm not an addict" but she totally is. So she plays the game and gets out but her friends (including one Sharon Cherski) don't understand, and soon enough Becca has a relapse and goes back to rehab, but she's all into it this time. So when Becca gets out, she tries to break up with her boyfriend, who has been slutting it up with Sharon Cherski while Becca was gone, and her boyfriend hits her and then sits on a ledge somewhere, and after Becca leaves, you think that he falls off the ledge because he's all drugged up and he dies. So Becca is practically in jail, since she's the last person who saw him alive, but then at the very end, Sharon Cherski comes forward and admits that she killed the guy, because she was jealous, and there is a lot of crying, and I guess Sharon Cherski went to jail, although who really cares? Because it was awesome.

Nightscream/Real World Road Rules Challenge

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. At first, I was going to tell you about this movie I watched called Nightscream, which seemed like it had a lot of potential because it was on Lifetime Movie Network, and it starred Candace Cameron Bure and Teri Garr, and it was supposed to be about a woman (CCB) who is possessed by the ghost of a murder victim. Sounds pretty awesome, right? But I started watching it and about halfway through I realized that I had no fucking clue what in the hell was going on. And not in a "Oh, this movie has a lot of twists and turns and I wonder what will happen next" kind of way. More in a "Were the writers on crack when they came up with this shit?" kind of way. First of all, they expected the viewers to just accept that CCB was possessed, like that happens every day in the normal course of things, and it was never explained, and no one was like, "Possessed by a ghost? That's crazy talk!" And then CCB's character was an identical twin (in terms of looks alone) to the dead girl, to the point where CCB played both roles, which is just a little bit unbelievable. And there were dream sequences in which CCB wore a white nightgown for no apparent reason other than that she was supposed to be a ghost. I don't know. So I stopped watching it. So The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week was when Julie lost in the Inferno and had to leave, because I spent the last three weeks screaming at the television, "I hate you, Julie!" and "Fuck off, Julie!" and shit like that, and I think my neighbors were about to call the cops. So Julie and her annoying big-toothed self can just fuck right off. Which is awesome.

Little House: "May We Make Them Proud"

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Mary's baby dies. I know that sounds like a really sad episode, but given the show's ridiculous acting and musical cues, it was actually pretty awesome. See, Mary and Adam are having a fundraising picnic at the Blind School, and Albert and some other kid never seen again steal into the basement to try smoking a pipe, which they both totally inhale like it's a bong or something, but then Hester Sue totally busts them, so they run out and toss the lit pipe into a pile of oily rags on some sort of time-release mechanism, apparently. About fourteen hours later, Alice Garvey is helping Hester Sue clean up, and they decide to have some tea with Adam and Mary, but Adam smells smoke. Hester Sue goes to investigate and opens the basement door and flames are just flying out of there! Fourteen hours later! So they go to rescue all the blind kids and Mary runs out of the bedroom and just leaves her baby behind, like, what mother would do that, anyway? So Alice promises to get the baby, and she grabs it and it's so obviously a doll, the way that she's manhandling this alleged newborn, but then Alice has to go back to rescue some blind kid who's stuck in the bathroom and she ends up getting trapped in the fire and she totally uses the baby to break open the window, but it doesn't help and she and the baby die. Thankfully, Mary didn't have to watch the baby die, because she's blind.