Little House: "The Love of Johnny Johnson"

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an early episode of Little House where a new boy named Johnny Johnson moved to Walnut Grove. He was ugly and had a head like Frankenstein, so I immediately assumed that he was a nephew or illegitimate son of Doc Baker, but he wasn't. He also wore the tightest overalls this side of Studio 54 or some roller boogie movie. Anyway, even though he was super-old, Laura fell in love with him and started plotting to get him to fall in love with her, and for a second I thought it was going to be the episode where Laura puts apples down the front of her dresses to simulate big boobs and then goes up to write on the board and one of the apples falls out, which was awesome, but it wasn't that episode. Instead, Laura just stared at Johnny Johnson like a creepy stalker, but Johnny had the hots for Mary, which makes sense, because Mary was a hottie back in the day, even if she was kind of a prude and no fun besides. So Laura asked Ma how she snared Pa, and Ma spun some bullshit about kindred spirits, and so Laura asked Johnny on a picnic, and he agreed to go, but then spent the whole time pumping Laura for information about Mary. So Laura got pissed at Mary, because it was somehow Mary's fault that Johnny didn't want to date someone like seven years younger than he was who hadn't hit puberty yet. So Johnny carves Mary's initials into the Sweetheart Tree, and Laura gets pissed at Mary yet again, and Mary gets pissed at Johnny because she doesn't even like him, and Pa gets pissed at Johnny for daring to be sweet on one of his girls, and Ma gets pissed at Pa for being such a buffoon, and Carrie pisses herself, because she's kind of slow, and in the end Pa has a gentle talk with Laura down by the creek and spins another bullshit story about how Ma was an awkward little girl who blossomed into a beautiful woman and he fell in love with her when what he should have said was that Laura shouldn't waste her time with boys who just aren't into her, but then we would have never had the Manly saga, so I guess it all worked out in the end. And it was awesome.